When it doesn't count...

This isn't a huge revelation, but it's something I just discovered recently from examining my past and comparing my experience with others. Guys are often confronted by how irrational girls can be. This would be a total shocker to those guys, but if you look back at your experience and/or others that you know. You will discover that girls don't count certain sexual encounters. I will discuss why knowing this is important in a little bit, after we have examined the circumstances surrounding these special encounters.

The main one being when girls are on vacation; they are away from their peer group and thus, social pressure and judgment. They are much more likely to hook up with random guys. So the extension of this is that well known vacation spots are havens for random hookups: e.g. Las Vegas. Another is when both parties have been in a platonic friendship, what does it take to push it into a no-string-attached sexual encounter? When either party is moving away from the social or peer group. I can do some magical hand-waving explanation using evolutionary biology, but just remember, the best way to build up sufficient sexual tension in any platonic relationship is the fear of loss... or jealousy. The third, and by no means the last, is when both parties have an understanding that either or both are experiencing difficulties in their respective relationships. Then the accidental chance encounter does not count. I can try to explain this using female psychological reasoning, but I don't want to confuse guys. Instead, we can manufacture these 3 circumstances to our advantage.

If you are reading this, I assume you are adult enough to assume responsibility for your own actions... both emotionally, psychologically, socially, and karmically (if you choose to believe it). The first one is easy, go on vacation with girls, things will happen. This can be shortened to taking girls from place to place, away from her peer group as soon as possible. The second one is exploited when guys initially approach girls, from body rocking to false-time constraint, and this can be constructed in such a way that the girl knows that the guy is just in town, or about to leave town. Finally, in my opinion, the most devious of them all, is that even when the girl knows for certain that the guy is still in a relationship, as long as he frames his relationship being on the rocks, not doing so well, and if he can build up enough sexual tension, which I will discuss in the future, the girl will hook up with him. What makes this the best is that there is an implicit understanding that this has to be a no-string-attached encounter and both parties have to be complicit in upholding their mutual vow of silence.

This, my friend, is how so many guys and girls cheat, live AND get away with it. Just because it is doesn't mean it's right, so set aside your judgment. Give this quote by Sir Francis Bacon some thoughts,

Nature, to be commanded, must be obeyed.

Defining boundaries in a relationship

People with NLP background would call this frame, those who have worked with clients / patients would define this as boundary, and most lay people would call this setting expectation. So how do you do that in a romantic relationship?

Basically, when two people come together, they have a set of do's and don'ts, what they offer and want from each other, and who will get what and who will give. Problems arise when people don't clearly state what their values are and what behavior is acceptable or unacceptable. During the initial interaction, pay attention and reward only behaviors that we want and ignore ones we don't want. Even into the early phase of a relationship, it's best not to even address the problem or ignore what you don't like and until a stronger bond is form. For example, if she flirts with other guys, just ignore her, and if she persists, then just dump her. There's no reason to invest in a drama-filled relationship.

As we spend more time together, there are many ways to subcommunicate our values and expectations without explicitly stating what we like and don't like. One way I use to communicate that is to use a similar method that adults do with children, allegories. Tell a story, or even describe the wonderful relationship between your parents, or a happy couple you admire who you would emulate. Unless the problem is serious and urgent, there's no reason to over-react. Some girls crave for attention, and they don't know how to ask for it properly, especially when they are young, so almost everything is black and white: either we are together or we have broken up. The art of having a good relationship is about setting boundaries, expectations, and having a strong frame to keep the relationship going in the direction we want.

This goes back to what is first and foremost in almost every action we take. A series of actions should lead to a specific goal. Our goals must be in congruence with our values and beliefs. Our values and beliefs are aligned in making us happy. Of course, good relationships are two-way streets that benefit parties on both sides. Most people want to have some significance; girls, in particular, want to know that they matter to us and not just a sperm-depository. We don't have to go overboard to send them flowers or giving them gifts, but we can be active listeners, we would encourage them to tell their stories, describe what they experienced, by using simple phrases, "Oh?" and "Really?" And to reinforce that bond and subtly telling them that they matter to us, "Oh, such-and-such happened today and it reminded me of you about..." This tells her that you had paid attention to what she said or did, and more importantly, you remember!

These are some tips, like lube, that will keep a relationship going. They are just building blocks, and I will talk about the keystone to keeping a good relationship next time.

Building that emotional connection

After discussing the theory of rapport and emotional connection in previous blog entries, some of you emailed me about how exactly have I used it. Here are some examples that came off the top of my head...

(1) There was this one time, at a bookstore far far away, (sorry, I couldn't help myself!) there were two girls, I opened and then we joked around. They were there to look for an art piece as an inspiration for them to paint something similar in their new condo. One of them told me that she doesn't like just a bouquet of flowers, but just one flower, and view it from behind. Then we discussed how most of us just skim the surface by taking the prima facie approach to people, events, and life in general. And I continued that it takes a special person to dig deeper and appreciate the multi-faceted nature of life. Notice how I turned something she mentioned in passing, into something deep, about our approaches to life?

(2) Another was one night in a bar, I was talking to this girl, then the subject of work came up. She told me she was doing such and such at this company, and I happened to know someone who was recently fired from there. With that brief commonality, she asked me if he's gay, and how he's a loner who doesn't socialize with co-workers, etc. Then I continued with how it must be difficult to live a life of denial, she replied about how she had to be a certain way with her last bf. Again, with just a tenuous connection, we went from talking about work, to something that deeply affected her.

(3) There was this one time I stumbled into a birthday party and ended up talking to the birthday girl. She told me about leaving her broken home and went to a crazy religious school down south. She's a total conservative right wing nut job, but just for my own amusement, we continued talking about her faith. Then I interjected how she was able to heal herself, found a purpose in life, and how faith in her space-daddy/spaghetti-monster/god was able to bring clarity, protection, and peace to her. This time, it was more about turning something negative (her broken home) into positive.

(4) Last one, I was talking to a pretty tall girl at a bus stop. The way she held herself together made me think of my ex, who used to be a model and a beauty pageant contestant. And guess what? She also competed in beauty pageants! Which I immediately relate to her on how it must be difficult to express herself when everyone already has a preconceived notion of how she should behave, she just lit up and talked about how she has to wear a mask and most people don't know her inner turmoils. She told me how guys rarely ever listen to her and she was surprised I got to know her so deeply and quickly... HA! She ended up missing her bus.

I normally hate writing FR/LR because they are such bullshit and I hope that by focusing on the specific turning point in my interaction using emotional connections, we can turn a fluffy conversation about trivialities of life into something deep and meaningful. Girls yearn for that special someone to turn those momentary sparks in life into full blown flames. Be that flamer guy (HA!) and you will have plenty of girls in your life! I might blog about how to take those connections to a sexual level in future entries.

The take home lesson is that I basically turned a simple piece of our conversation into an emotional journey for her to express herself. Notice I didn't run any routine, I didn't talk about the same set of emotions, and there were a few other details I left out, for brevity and simplicity by removing the sexual overtone in our conversations.

The in-her game(tm): Point of no return

I am such a horrible person, instead of working, I'm procrastinating so I am blogging instead. If you have ever crammed for exam, waiting for the right time, and keep pushing until the last minute to get things done, building up that tension. It's almost like playing chicken, to see who finally give in and submit, that is when one has triumphed over the other. Yes, I keep pushing, and I balance that with pulling, in different ways. This is the basis of how I like structure the early part of the relationship.

Many earth years ago in a land not so far away, I was seeing a girl, when she was about to move away, so we went on a trip together, it was our farewell trip. I know, touching, no need to shed any tear. It was a great trip, but just prior to leaving for our trip together, I met another girl and we started seeing each other on and off. Then I told girl #2 that I have to go away for two weeks, what I didn't tell her was with girl #1. When I returned, girl #2 was all over me.

This is how I came to recognize that with sufficient rapport and emotional connection; hearts do grow fonder when separated. After that one incidence, I almost always have to leave to "go on a trip" somewhere for a short period of time, usually undetermined, out of touch, right as the "relationship" about to start. This is what usually tips her over and when we see each other again, sex is always amazing. This, my friends, is when we both have crossed the threshold, the point that I know we have started the relationship, there is no turning back, this is when she will constantly push more commitment, time and otherwise, from me.

Once I've entered the community, others have articulated similar techniques... After we elicited sufficient attraction, some advocate doing the false takeaway and build jealousy plotlines in nearby sets. Another thing is BradP called stewing the girl, keep her going for awhile, but not actually seeing again for quite some time after the initial meet. For some unknown reasons, if I ever had that mystical connection with a very hot girl, just playing plain and simple comfort boring phone game, but I keep stewing her and not see her again right away, things usually escalate VERY quickly once I meet up with her the second time. Remember, hot girls only, I don't know how this works with UGs or fatties (please go test this out for us).

So young grasshoppers, learn to build comfort with her, then stew her, do NOT see her right away, but your phone game comfort building has to be tight, you got to be not needy at all. Sure, you will lose some, the subcommunication is that you are a man of purpose, you have other callings, she isn't the top priority, I know some people will frown at this for making the girl chase, little do they know that girls crave the chase, tacitly. It's almost like a piece of genetic memory, girls love that movie moment, the one when her man returns...

What reminded me of this was one girl I've been seeing on and off, she tried to pull the I'm going away/travel thing today. I kept a straight face and encouraged her to go. Some things are meant to be, learn to let go. Let go of your expectations when you are starting to approach, let go of your desires so you don't convey neediness/desperation, let go of any prejudice, be in the moment, your time here is now. Like a boomerang, she will return (I know, I like to contradict myself), just not right away, give her time and space.