Should I be nice to girls?

This question often crosses the mind of guys when they interact with girls. The scenario is so-and-so is pretty hot, I want to ask her out, if I'm nice to her, buy her drinks, then may be we can start chatting, etc. The answer is an unequivocal no. However, if I am a genuinely nice person and I come from a place that I don't need her to make me happy, then being nice to girls is okay... Again, the answer is a conditional yes. What do I mean by that?

Before I elaborate on the details on what to do, let's start with the frame, or the conditions by which we conduct ourselves. Nice guys often have been trampled and used by girls in the past and so in reaction, they tend to become assholish to get back at girls. This reactivity is not congruent with those guys and girls can see through that... and why let girls dictate how we behave?! Instead, the better frame would be that (1) we have choices with girls, (2) we are here to evaluate or we decide whether they are worthy to be with us, (3) they are chasing us and we lead.

With those guidelines in mind, then the answer is that we are nice to girls when we feel they deserve us. This begins with how we initiate our conversation with girls... Unless we have the attitude that we don't care how she might respond to us in the beginning, it's best not to compliment girls first. There are exceptions, however. Say I want to ask her something about fashion, I can start with, "Hey, you seem like you know about fashion..." and look her up & down in a non-creepy way. Now, I just complimented her AND I already subcommunicated to her that I also evaluated her, so I have a reason to talk with her.

Once that we have started talking with girls, we can role play... and to further re-inforce our frame that we are superior, leading, higher, and be the daddy figure that she is looking for, she is almost always subservient. Again, this requires finesse to do successfully... by being fun and playful which she knows on one hand that we are joking and on another, we subtly communicated to her that we are not there to please her but to evaluate her. I even explicitly say that I will give her a job performance review later because she has been working very hard for a promotion. There is a huge difference between evaluating vs. judging her.

This gets back to the common question of whether we can compliment girls, the answer is a conditional yes. We should praise them when we feel they deserve it. There are more subtleties of how this is done. For girls who are hot in the looks department, then focus on her intellect, i.e., some things that most people don't see. Again, it's okay to be a nice guy, not just any Joe Schmoe nice guy. For girls who aren't that good looking, then focus on some positive aspects of their look. This should be avoided in general unless you know what you are doing. The more vague, at least among straight guys, of the compliment, the better... nebulous things like outlook, energy, vibe, sexy... which guys usually don't talk about.

As for doing things just to be nice to girls, again, only when they deserve it. If she has been cool and fun, then it's ok to buy her drinks or even dinner, only if it was just appetizer, and, she has been a good conversationalist. The trick of being a playful evaluator is to be tricky, and be ready to throw her a curve ball now and then. There's more to being a conditional nice guy that I will elaborate on next time. Until next time, follow his advice...

How to have drama-free and great relationships

For those with some success in the field and somehow ended up with a regular girl, here are some tips to keep dramas out of relationships. The overarching goal of a good relationship is to build memories together, preferably fun, happy, sexy memories. With that said, finding the balance of doing something new all the time while still doing the basic bread'n'butter activities will be challenging.

First, have great friends, normal and social friends who are fun to hang out. My experience is that I have more success with introducing girls to my group of friends first, we go hang out together. I do this usually after I've been out with the girl a few times and we are almost tired of just having sex. When hanging out with friends, keep the talk about other girls out of the conversation. Guys have a tendency to brag, that's how "FR/LR" in community forums came about. Keep conversations light, talk about travel, hobbies, vacations, and be sure to make plans for future adventures together.

This isn't breakthrough comfort or get girls to fall so deeply in love with you... and sadly, there will be no 3-hour seminar with in-field training. So take notes! Go do physically exhaustive activities together, be that biking, rollerblading, skiing, hiking,... These will get the feel-good hormones going. The next set of activities will be something you all will talk about afterward: bungee jumping, skydiving, para-gliding, water-skiing, surfing,... not only are these activities physically demanding but they also pump up emotional/limbic part of the brain. Of course, there are the usual couple-y activities, like dinner, talk, tv,... One thing to try is to re-tell the same story as it's your first time. When she reminds you that you've told her that story, try responding with, "Oh, really? My god, I can't believe I've told you that... I guess I'm not so good with keeping secrets from you!" This subcommunicates that you share with her and there's no secret between you two.

Another thing that girls like is to know that we think about them during our normal daily activities. So while I tell a story, I would tell her about something that transpired earlier and how it reminded me of such-and-such about her. Then they know that they have triggered that pair-bonding mechanism in us. Start with those two things, and there are a few more here. This is just the beginning to having great relationships.

Building that emotional connection

After discussing the theory of rapport and emotional connection in previous blog entries, some of you emailed me about how exactly have I used it. Here are some examples that came off the top of my head...

(1) There was this one time, at a bookstore far far away, (sorry, I couldn't help myself!) there were two girls, I opened and then we joked around. They were there to look for an art piece as an inspiration for them to paint something similar in their new condo. One of them told me that she doesn't like just a bouquet of flowers, but just one flower, and view it from behind. Then we discussed how most of us just skim the surface by taking the prima facie approach to people, events, and life in general. And I continued that it takes a special person to dig deeper and appreciate the multi-faceted nature of life. Notice how I turned something she mentioned in passing, into something deep, about our approaches to life?

(2) Another was one night in a bar, I was talking to this girl, then the subject of work came up. She told me she was doing such and such at this company, and I happened to know someone who was recently fired from there. With that brief commonality, she asked me if he's gay, and how he's a loner who doesn't socialize with co-workers, etc. Then I continued with how it must be difficult to live a life of denial, she replied about how she had to be a certain way with her last bf. Again, with just a tenuous connection, we went from talking about work, to something that deeply affected her.

(3) There was this one time I stumbled into a birthday party and ended up talking to the birthday girl. She told me about leaving her broken home and went to a crazy religious school down south. She's a total conservative right wing nut job, but just for my own amusement, we continued talking about her faith. Then I interjected how she was able to heal herself, found a purpose in life, and how faith in her space-daddy/spaghetti-monster/god was able to bring clarity, protection, and peace to her. This time, it was more about turning something negative (her broken home) into positive.

(4) Last one, I was talking to a pretty tall girl at a bus stop. The way she held herself together made me think of my ex, who used to be a model and a beauty pageant contestant. And guess what? She also competed in beauty pageants! Which I immediately relate to her on how it must be difficult to express herself when everyone already has a preconceived notion of how she should behave, she just lit up and talked about how she has to wear a mask and most people don't know her inner turmoils. She told me how guys rarely ever listen to her and she was surprised I got to know her so deeply and quickly... HA! She ended up missing her bus.

I normally hate writing FR/LR because they are such bullshit and I hope that by focusing on the specific turning point in my interaction using emotional connections, we can turn a fluffy conversation about trivialities of life into something deep and meaningful. Girls yearn for that special someone to turn those momentary sparks in life into full blown flames. Be that flamer guy (HA!) and you will have plenty of girls in your life! I might blog about how to take those connections to a sexual level in future entries.

The take home lesson is that I basically turned a simple piece of our conversation into an emotional journey for her to express herself. Notice I didn't run any routine, I didn't talk about the same set of emotions, and there were a few other details I left out, for brevity and simplicity by removing the sexual overtone in our conversations.

The other DQ: Drama Queens

One important thing to avoid is be the Mr. Fix-it guy. Being chivalrous is one thing, but never ever be used, like a doormat. What's one thing that pets, children, girls, and to some extent, guys have in common? They constantly test boundaries. Another way is described before, as all interactions are collisions of frames. Especially players/hustlers and the wannabe's, they will constantly see how much they can get from us, how much they can (ab)use us. The goal is to let them know early, or we will become their tools.

Among guys, I state outright what is and isn't acceptable. They know what consequences they will face if they decide to test those boundaries. With girls, children, and pets, they require some finesse. Be the fun happy guy, I usually cut conversation threads about her and her friends, family, and problems, and splice in fun topics. Some girls know enough not to bring drama into our conversation, such as their exes. I would immediately turn to talk about what I have encountered before, and be murky, mysterious, nonspecific, how things just happen to get better and move on to the next topic.

I keep conversations light hearted and fun; sure we can share emotional experiences, only to the extend that we bring our past experiences and plans for future to the table. This is NOT the time to advise and guide her. Trust her that she can resolve any issue she brought up and let her know that. Again, our role isn't to be her bitch boy that she can call to cry on, to console her, and to swoop down to fix what bothers her; i.e. not to be her parent or friend.

Another way to frame our interaction is that we are lovers by escalating as quickly as possible. There are many ways of doing that. Charm school teaches a method of using sexual barriers, others call it sexual IOI,... I prefer being playful and fun. When we are having fun, being playful, from spanking her to tickling her to play fighting with her. This allows her to be a child again, and for many, it was a happy carefree time in life. When people go out to meet market (yes, not meat), be the leader who snaps them out of their current reality and into a whirlwind of emotions, sprinkle in future projections, and (literally) sweep them off their feet.

I used to get drawn (because of my weak frame) into girls' world of dramas and be a good listener. Sure, I still listen, but I actively and selectively listen for positive emotions and filter out negatives, avoid dramas. This has allowed me to sidestep another problem I had, the Mr. Fix-it, of giving advice. In fact, compressing the time between face time to sexy time, we become physically intimate (by violating her physical boundaries early on using touching) without getting tangled in other (emotional) dramas. The more talk time in between face and sexy time, the more likely one will fuck up.

The in-her game(tm): Titrating phone calls

Saturday morning, if last night went well, we probably have plenty of numbers. How shall we play the phone game? This is to be avoided at all cost. Phone calls should be short, concise, and only for confirming, maybe for directions to a place; they should not be used for much in the beginning of the "relationship." Like everything else, if I failed at phone game stage, then the cause is something that happened prior to it.

Let's start with why we get numbers. This is not as a close or some sort of achievement, we should have so much to talk about, and things we want to do together, which justify our continuing interaction. True, I adhere to the dingleberry technique, but once I have reached a high point in the conversation, it's best that I setup our next meet, rather than milking the interaction and killing off our conversational threads; unless I can tell that they are ready and willing to be pulled that night. Conversational threads that talk about what we enjoy doing, what excites us, what makes us feel good, those usually lead to talking about specifics and events. So before I go out, I look at my calendar for next week, have an idea of what I will do... or at least have a regular activity I do anyway. Then I casually bring that up. Sometimes they bite, sometimes not, I continue the interaction. Eventually at high point, when they have revealed themselves, I have stated my intention and how I am attracted to them, after many qualifications, then I would invite them to join me.

Girls will give false objections sometimes, I just tell them, "I enjoy our conversation and we have much to talk about, let's meet up (...) Give me your number and I will text you the direction." Note that I don't use "Can I have your number?" or any other wishy washy questions, always give them commands. Then another technique I use, depending on how high energy they are, I would try to get the first call out of the way, I call them right there. If she's high energy, then I tell her to answer her phone, I pretend she's my friend, and I would proceed to tell her about this great girl I meet, but this girl is a bit suspicious, I continue this role play if she's high energy. Now if she's low energy, then I call her phone, have her talk into my phone to leave a message for herself, to tell how much she likes me, and we would practice how much she enjoys talking to me etc. Of course, I also have her save my number using some sort of nickname. There is another thing I do to make me seem high value. It works almost all the time.

Next is the actual phone call after the initial meet up, this should be short, just check in, I found Socialhitchhiker's post quite useful. One caveat is that if she doesn't remember me very well, then I might have to spend more time on the phone with her, going through some comfort building routines to let her know that I am a normal person. We will set up a time to meet and this requires additional calibration, if she seems to be a party girl, like she doesn't answer your phone calls all the time, then I would ask how certain she will be there, and if it's anything but 100% commitment, I would say that's okay and tell her another time. If she seems like a nice girl and won't flake, then I don't do that as that would imply that girls have flaked on me. This requires calibration, only experience will give you an idea how you titrate this to the right amount.

The in-her game(tm): Point of no return

I am such a horrible person, instead of working, I'm procrastinating so I am blogging instead. If you have ever crammed for exam, waiting for the right time, and keep pushing until the last minute to get things done, building up that tension. It's almost like playing chicken, to see who finally give in and submit, that is when one has triumphed over the other. Yes, I keep pushing, and I balance that with pulling, in different ways. This is the basis of how I like structure the early part of the relationship.

Many earth years ago in a land not so far away, I was seeing a girl, when she was about to move away, so we went on a trip together, it was our farewell trip. I know, touching, no need to shed any tear. It was a great trip, but just prior to leaving for our trip together, I met another girl and we started seeing each other on and off. Then I told girl #2 that I have to go away for two weeks, what I didn't tell her was with girl #1. When I returned, girl #2 was all over me.

This is how I came to recognize that with sufficient rapport and emotional connection; hearts do grow fonder when separated. After that one incidence, I almost always have to leave to "go on a trip" somewhere for a short period of time, usually undetermined, out of touch, right as the "relationship" about to start. This is what usually tips her over and when we see each other again, sex is always amazing. This, my friends, is when we both have crossed the threshold, the point that I know we have started the relationship, there is no turning back, this is when she will constantly push more commitment, time and otherwise, from me.

Once I've entered the community, others have articulated similar techniques... After we elicited sufficient attraction, some advocate doing the false takeaway and build jealousy plotlines in nearby sets. Another thing is BradP called stewing the girl, keep her going for awhile, but not actually seeing again for quite some time after the initial meet. For some unknown reasons, if I ever had that mystical connection with a very hot girl, just playing plain and simple comfort boring phone game, but I keep stewing her and not see her again right away, things usually escalate VERY quickly once I meet up with her the second time. Remember, hot girls only, I don't know how this works with UGs or fatties (please go test this out for us).

So young grasshoppers, learn to build comfort with her, then stew her, do NOT see her right away, but your phone game comfort building has to be tight, you got to be not needy at all. Sure, you will lose some, the subcommunication is that you are a man of purpose, you have other callings, she isn't the top priority, I know some people will frown at this for making the girl chase, little do they know that girls crave the chase, tacitly. It's almost like a piece of genetic memory, girls love that movie moment, the one when her man returns...

What reminded me of this was one girl I've been seeing on and off, she tried to pull the I'm going away/travel thing today. I kept a straight face and encouraged her to go. Some things are meant to be, learn to let go. Let go of your expectations when you are starting to approach, let go of your desires so you don't convey neediness/desperation, let go of any prejudice, be in the moment, your time here is now. Like a boomerang, she will return (I know, I like to contradict myself), just not right away, give her time and space.

You got hair, not fair!

So, here's the thing. I should preface by saying that I'm by no means a relationship expert, however, I... know... everything! Because, let's all repeat after me, boys and girls, "you are a doctor!" Very good! Why do I encourage some people to have relationships, while I deride others for having them? There are, of course, multitude of reasons, the simplest being, one was a bitch (not future, or now) boy instead of a toy boy.

Seriously, I am a strong advocate for long term relationships, serially or in parallel. The caveat being that we should continue relationships that enhance our lives. Relationships can be beautiful, joyous, life altering experiences. If people are in an unhappy relationship, they should end it, do NOT prolong the agony. Despite what I blog about here, I am all for stable, fulfilling, long term relationships, when they have found someone who they can connect, share, build happy memories together, and more importantly, people must be happy with themselves, not needing to have relationships to fill the void, or in the case for girls, too scared to go into the cold dark night alone and anything warm is better than none at all.

For those who asked me to blog about the negative aspect of relationships, sorry, I only have good things to say about them, because by the grace of allah, no one has cheated on me (as far as I know nor do I have a reason to suspect), no one has irreparably damaged me, I have been blessed with having relationships with some wonderful and amazing girls. So for those who some how found this blog and want to have a relationship with me, I'm sorry, my past girlfriends have set a very high standard, beauty, brain, energy, personality, outlook,... it's a long list. Don't worry though, it's all worth it. Like one of my girlfriends once told me, I'm a great investment.

Now, why would a girl want to be with a guy who schemed, planned, strategized to be a pseudo-leader of men, running around like a chicken with its head cut off, commenting instead of doing, analyzing instead of playing, self-deluding (oh right) "reframing" instead of being happy with reality?! I talked with a few others, we are rather surprised that there are so many guys in this to get other guys; so my description is more of amalgamation of guys who I can confidently say are gay. Yes, both in terms of being lame, and having the desire to get butt-fucked, i.e. albeit appearance suggests that they are popular, the reality is that they really do enjoy being dominated by others. They are busily deceiving themselves, in denial obviously, I have yet to see them with any girl of beauty or substance, and seducing other men. This pickup bullshit is about going out to have fun; it should not turned into a popular contest among guys, why get political when this isn't even a job, I don't make money from this nor do I have the desire to.

As many have said before, "Those, who can, do. Those, who can't, coach." I don't even know where to begin to teach others how to be happy and have fun being social. Again, repeat after me, "Happiness comes from within, not from without." This is what in-her game is all about. No amount of money, girls, or for many in the community, guys will fill that void that they called life. The only thing of value that people can bring to the table is to have fun together. First, we have to be happy with ourselves, then naturally, everyone else around us will be happy. Like all STD's, it's better to give, than to receive.

LR: Cruising from C3 to S3

I have to admit that I have experienced many sets fizzling out in the comfort stage. I still have to work on balancing the Attraction and Comfort while directing the interaction to Seduction. One thing I remember, probably Mystery, is that I can't language a girl to spreading her legs so I can fuck her brain out.

Instead of taking her statements at prima facie, almost everything she says can be misinterpreted that she is ready to sex me. The last "date" we were together was so unremarkable that I don't even remember what we did. Then she called me out of the blue, hers was the 2nd of 3 calls from 3 different girls that day (I think it's the mating season again). She wanted to play tennis, I dropped by her place, instead of going out to play tennis, we got into deep rapport, again (just like the previous time we got together).

Right at the lull of the conversation, I moved in and we started making out. Just as I had expected, within seconds, she went, "This is bad. We shouldn't be doing this." I almost started to smile because it's almost verbatim from seduction materials. Of course, my immediate response was to agree, got her to laugh, then we went back and continued. Sometimes I wonder if girls are just clones because their behaviors, even in raising objections during LMR, are so stereotypical.

Another time with an FB, while we were full monty, she said, "I can't have casual sex with you." This isn't the first time we hooked up, we have been doing this on and off for a long time. Instead of arguing and languaging her, I agreed, and we went back to what we were about to do.

I suspect that girls tend to raise false objections, just to rationalize in their mind that they have resisted so that they can't be responsible, be blamed for what was about to happen. Sex is no big deal, it's what normal people with no hangups and comfortable with each other have together.

No meat, no heat

The only thing to do is to worship at her feet.

Some of us are more fortunate than others. I have older brothers to teach me that I should avoid supplicating to women in general. Growing up I watched them going out on dates, especially dinner dates, I somehow learned that I should avoid taking girls out to eat in general. This was finally confirmed to me loud and clear with my recent encounter with a dinner whore. Yes, Virginia, they do exist, even in the 21st century!

I normally don't take girls out to dinner on day2. From what I observed, this was a total party girl, my plan was to stew her and kept up the attraction over phone and text. It was working until I caved in. I was bored and went down my list of numbers that I collected recently (bad sign #1). She called back to ask me to join her for dinner (bad sign #2). One thing I did right was to make her compromise on where we go for food, however, I had to go pick her up even though I already ate dinner (bad sign #3). We ended up at this fancy place (30 minutes before closing) for food, but she was too busy talking on the phone (bad sign #4), with another guy whom she will meet up later that night (bad sign #5). Sure enough, the tool came to meet up with us at the restaurant (bad sign #6), who I immediately befriended and disarmed. She was whoring for attention, which I directed toward him instead.

The fun began when the dinner bill came, she looked at me, then she picked it up and handed to me. I ignored her gesture and went back to talking with the guy, he got the hint and left. She went on this tirade about she doesn't pay for guys, etc. She spewed out the almost textbook litany of reasons from Cosmo. I smiled and just walked out without looking back. She was so stunned that she seemed to be plastered on her seat. The waiter was dumbfounded, I simply didn't want to get into an argument with any girl in general, especially her, who at one moment, was a sweet, happy, party girl, and at another moment, a total dinner whore who felt this entitlement that the world owed her. Was she an anomaly or very typical of the trust fund babies?

There's a website where girls post what guys not to date, we guys should have something similar for these dinner whores! The sad part is that most guys, even the self-proclaimed PUAs, would gladly pay anything to shut them up, be gentlemen, or do whatever that's necessary to get her spread her legs, including moving in just to get regular access to the vagine, maybe a puppy will soften her up a bit more! They would rather blame other guys for their own shortcomings (yeah, even that physical kind) and failures instead of examining themselves, how they could have done things differently, do some actual self-improvement, pulling oneself up without pushing others down. Damn, I thought there was going to be a funny punch line...

Oh yes, girls are like buses, if you miss one, there will be another one coming, there are millions turning 18 every day. I won't let the fear of loss get to me, as Yoda said, "Fear leads to anger, anger leads to hate, and hate leads to the dark SIIIIIIDE!" So "Do, or do not, don't try!"