Is this going to be on your blog?

Three individuals have asked me that exact question in the past three days. Seriously, I don't know why people need to make such a big deal out of our daily interactions. But if I talk about our, ahem, rather intimate interaction on here, nobody else will read it except you... that's right, only you. So feel free to share your deepest and darkest secret with me.

The reality is that nobody cares, not even me, and I blog because I need a place to do my brain dump. That's why I've been so prolific, not because I have some amazing insights, but I just need to go, so stop feeding me that "prune juice" for my brain.

Oh right, sorry I got a bit self-involved there, after all, this blog is all about you and our precious conversation. Didn't I tell you? If I don't blog about our moment together here, I will discuss it in my upcoming memoir. So I dedicate this entry to those who asked me that question... with love.

I was ok until you started talking to me...

Once in a long while, I overhear this sort of gems at a public gathering. I find them amusing... guys, with their new found bravery of talking to girls, are now turning into jerks, and worst yet, they think they are soooooo important and significant in someone's life that they get all disappointed when they get that inevitable rejection.

In most social interactions, from meeting new people, to applying to a school, a program, or a new job, they are mostly a numbers game. There are ways we can stack the odds to work for us, but most important of all, we have to be secure in ourselves not to "put all eggs in one basket" so that we are not totally dependent on one event, one person, one job, one school, one program, or one ticket, when we should be focusing on making the best of out of one's life.

When we have enough friends in our lives, losing one or a few doesn't matter that much. Same ideas apply when we are looking for a new career, selecting a new candidate, or even as simple as buying lottery tickets. There is an element of chance in most actions that we take. Looking at this another way, which I prefer because it's, once again, amusing to me, is that if we throw enough shit on the wall, some will stick.

This whole concept of playing odds seems intuitive to me, but I guess for some people, when they are so caught up in the moment, they lose sight of the bigger picture, of whether they have truly explored all options and stacked the deck in their favor. Another is that people would be much happier if they look at how absurd life is and instead of becoming all glum, they should rejoice and enjoy what's left of their lives.

There's no need for Foundations, Transformations, and even The Blueprint. There's no need for Revelation, Awakening, or mind meld / transplant! We simply have to believe in ourselves, in what we do, and find friends we can rely on. If we want to meet girls, keep talking to more girls. If we are thinking of finding a new job, send out feelers, network with people in careers we are interested in, talk to people, and start applying to as many jobs as possible through our contacts. The technique isn't as important as simply increasing our odds.

Boys will be boys

Remember when we were kids, playing at the playground, we would argue who is a better athlete, all because we can rattle off some silly statistics to our friends. When boys get together, that's what they do, if they are not fighting for food among each other because they are hungry, they fight for dominance, fame, and eventually, they grow older and fight with each other for the same thing, plus additional status symbols: wealth and women. There is a time and place to learn to be a better person, a man, and quite often, it's not among a group of boys.

When we are in positions where people look up to us, for advice, guidance, admiration,... we feel good about ourselves. We often seek out people to confirm and validate who and what we are. The problem with this scenario is that we have externalized our happiness and we have given up control of ourselves, because our happiness is at the mercy of others. This is often the reason why I tell people stay away from advice forums, especially online forums that discuss topics unrelated to computer and internet, i.e. technology in general. If we are to think through this for a second, if an expert is well respected in his/her field (i.e. "offline"), why would he/she come online to give advice or participate in silly discussions... the online forum simply isn't that rewarding, especially in terms of professionally and financially.

Another reason is that online, a dog (literally) can masquerade as an expert online and no one will be the wiser. I have seen countless self-proclaimed ladiesmen (or the latest fad, "Pickup Artists") in person, and they have never failed to disappoint, which leads me to my often repeated joke, "they are better at seducing men." At best, most forums are places where blinds lead the blinds. At worst, they are cesspools where guys are busily seducing each other, trying their best to convince others, and hopefully, they might make a few easy bucks off each other. This goes back to my first point, if they had real jobs, they wouldn't have time to come to online forums to read, reply, and debate.

A better way to live is to derive happiness from within, instead of trying to seek approval and garner validation from outside. As long as we feel good about ourselves, people will learn to accept us, even though that shouldn't be what we are after. Take that woman who sang "Ken Lee," she was off-keyed and she couldn't even enunciate the lyrics in English, but due to the modern mass media, she is whipped into stardom. The positive lesson from all that hype is that we can be whatever we think we are, and somewhere out there, there are fans who will cheer us on. And yes, there are women out there who will spread their legs for guys, even for awkward and creepy dudes. So debates about getting girls are as useful as debates on the best way of putting oneself to sleep, trust me, if you are struggling with insomnia, watch some of those David D videos.

While I was in hibernation...

I often joke how I've learned more about history by watching TV than what I studied in books. One of the great figures in our American history that few recognized is John Adams. Definitely go check out the HBO's 7-part series: John Adams. This series dramatizes the hardship, growth, prosperity, finally, achievement of becoming the POTUSA, and of course, the inevitable decline of the man.

One dark page in our 20th century World History that most forgot is the rape of Nanking. Check out the acclaimed movie that was released last year. I'm not sure the atrocities committed by one side within a single war is a reflection on the psyche and cultural values of one particular group of people. It does make me wonder...

How do we control ourselves?

Many people want to have control over their lives. They talk about it, ruminate over what they can do, enroll in courses, etc. What they don't realize is that the first step of taking control of one's life is by not relinquishing control in the first place.

I realize this goes against the conventional wisdom, especially among the religious faithfuls who often appeal to a higher power for guidance and assistance. There's a difference between accepting what one can control and not control vs. surrendering, and then thinking that there's a superior being that has power or knows the one true & right way to do something. Instead of constantly in search of the correct answer, people would be much happier if they just accept things for what they are, and start working forward.

There are times and places when we must seek help, because there are people who are more knowledgeable and more skilled in assisting us. But in most mundane day-to-day living, we are much better off if we don't have to feel like that we are walking on egg shells, because we are constantly second guessing ourselves, whether we are taking the correct course of actions or not. What irks me is that most silly coaches, from dating to life, they are just as ignorant as the general population. When information is so readily accessible, we might as well try different ways until we are happy with the solution. So many of us are raised with the expectation of being perfect, when life is more about learning from one's mistakes.

The trick is to learn from mistakes and what is our own tolerance to mistakes and flaws. I see so many who are learning to fail by failing to learn. They obsess over the immediate problems instead of focusing on the end result. They are constantly in search of that one true course that would lead them to salvation. This can range from following a guru, a school of thoughts, a set of beliefs, to a religion. I find life is more of a random walk, and as I get older, I discover what way points to look for on the way to my final destination.

Another fallacy with trying to maintain control is to constantly look for answers, life and people are far more interesting if we ask questions. The die-hard believers often dismiss those who ask questions and consequently, the same dogmatic followers never discover anything for themselves and they will never grow to reach their full potential. There are no specific set of prescription to have a happy and fulfilled life. We all have to be on our own to discover who we are and what makes us happy. Rather than setting and charting a course for ourselves and others, or to look to someone for guidance, we should feel the freedom to explore, to fail, to make mistakes, to learn from them, to give up control of others, and to follow our own desires.

Ken Lee!

Contrast this:

With this:

Seeds of compassion

Thanks to those seeds, we have over 4 days of endless stop-and-go traffic. There is simply one message that I distilled from all Dalai Lama's talks and discussions: work on oneself and be nice to others.

I was having a discussion with a friend regarding a recent episode on Dr. Phil regarding "Pickup artists." I personally find the juxtaposition of those pretty cool guys from TMM (circa 2006), Ross Jeffries (the creep), and "con artists" very amusing. I've been blogging about how most wannabe-PUA's are just wannabe-hustlers. First, they learn a few sales techniques, they tried AND failed to get girls with them. Second, they then use those techniques to seduce guys by using the possibility of hooking up with girls as the bait. Although most fail at the first step and just give up, probably 60-70% of any lair, those who are tenacious enough would make it to step two. Eventually, however, most guys will see through that veneer of bullshit and dismiss them... Some even run away from our little fair city. Finally, even fewer make it out of the second step to work for a "seduction school."

What people don't realize is that the whole point about hustling people is a very demeaning process to their marks / targets / HBs (i.e. others), and even emptier for their own souls. Despite what all those gurus say about how this is a self-improvement process, presenting one's best self, and all other bullshit that is dished to the general public. At the end of the day (or night), guys are trying to get sex from girls. This is the fundamental reason why so many fail; they might not consciously recognize this, but deep down, they even self-sabotage because it's not something inherent within us, the sociopathic psychology to manipulate and use others.

I sort of tangentially touched at this topic that many guys in the community guys feel (and not necessarily true) that girls and/or society have ripped them off and this is their way of getting back at people. That's why they are so eager for routines, techniques, methods, and even pay money to take bootcamps repeatedly to get those skills. If they are truly normal and social human beings, they would have learned to get along with people, and in the process, sex isn't that big of a deal and girls are plentiful instead of going to lairs for friends and out sarging every night for girls. And guess what, the biological process is very inefficient, there will always be guys who look like Screech (from Saved by the Bell) and grow up to be like that creep, and guess what, their genes will be "unapologetically wiped out."

Instead of trying to get something or someone, people should learn to accept themselves for who they are, and may be even their station in life. The better solution is to improve oneself, not necessarily at the expense of others, but be an interesting, a more learned, a more intelligent, and of course, a funnier guy. The next step is to surround oneself with good people. Instead of trying to get girls, learn the social skills to initiate, develop, and maintain friendships. Instead of trying to make money off the back of one's friends, be the guy who is knowledgeable and creative to come up with something new rather than to rehash the same bullshit being promulgated within an incestuous self-loathing community. Truly live the life of success instead of trying to masquerade as someone else, those who keep faking it rarely if ever make it. People are discovering the only way to be successful is to follow traditional paths to success, there are few shortcuts in life and most of them can't be used by most people. We all have to pay our due.

Exploiting Excel

There are a few side projects I do just to keep my card-carrying credential as a nerd. Two Excel functions I discovered that has changed the way I use Excel. This is all about managing data under specific conditions.

Most people probably know how to SUM() a block of cells, but what if I only want to SUM certain cells within that block when those cells meet a certain condition, go check out SUMIF() function.

Along the line of conditional sum, what if we want to change the location and size of the block of cells without going back to modify our existing SUM function? For example, there's a list of charges to my bank account, normally, my monthly statement lists all transactions and total sum of what happened within that period. What if I want to sum transactions across an arbitrary set of dates, for example, only the 2nd week of the month? This is where OFFSET can be used in conjunction with SUMIF. OFFSET function allows me to determine the origin of the offset, how much to offset to (i.e. where to start) and the size of the offset (i.e. where to stop). So instead of setting a fix block / range of cells within SUM, use the OFFSET within the SUM function.

SUMIF and OFFSET provide the freedom beyond the normal SUM function or any function that takes in a block or range of cells. SUMIF allows for conditional sum, and OFFSET gives me the flexibility of the location and size of the block of cells for manipulation within Excel.

Should I be nice to girls?

This question often crosses the mind of guys when they interact with girls. The scenario is so-and-so is pretty hot, I want to ask her out, if I'm nice to her, buy her drinks, then may be we can start chatting, etc. The answer is an unequivocal no. However, if I am a genuinely nice person and I come from a place that I don't need her to make me happy, then being nice to girls is okay... Again, the answer is a conditional yes. What do I mean by that?

Before I elaborate on the details on what to do, let's start with the frame, or the conditions by which we conduct ourselves. Nice guys often have been trampled and used by girls in the past and so in reaction, they tend to become assholish to get back at girls. This reactivity is not congruent with those guys and girls can see through that... and why let girls dictate how we behave?! Instead, the better frame would be that (1) we have choices with girls, (2) we are here to evaluate or we decide whether they are worthy to be with us, (3) they are chasing us and we lead.

With those guidelines in mind, then the answer is that we are nice to girls when we feel they deserve us. This begins with how we initiate our conversation with girls... Unless we have the attitude that we don't care how she might respond to us in the beginning, it's best not to compliment girls first. There are exceptions, however. Say I want to ask her something about fashion, I can start with, "Hey, you seem like you know about fashion..." and look her up & down in a non-creepy way. Now, I just complimented her AND I already subcommunicated to her that I also evaluated her, so I have a reason to talk with her.

Once that we have started talking with girls, we can role play... and to further re-inforce our frame that we are superior, leading, higher, and be the daddy figure that she is looking for, she is almost always subservient. Again, this requires finesse to do successfully... by being fun and playful which she knows on one hand that we are joking and on another, we subtly communicated to her that we are not there to please her but to evaluate her. I even explicitly say that I will give her a job performance review later because she has been working very hard for a promotion. There is a huge difference between evaluating vs. judging her.

This gets back to the common question of whether we can compliment girls, the answer is a conditional yes. We should praise them when we feel they deserve it. There are more subtleties of how this is done. For girls who are hot in the looks department, then focus on her intellect, i.e., some things that most people don't see. Again, it's okay to be a nice guy, not just any Joe Schmoe nice guy. For girls who aren't that good looking, then focus on some positive aspects of their look. This should be avoided in general unless you know what you are doing. The more vague, at least among straight guys, of the compliment, the better... nebulous things like outlook, energy, vibe, sexy... which guys usually don't talk about.

As for doing things just to be nice to girls, again, only when they deserve it. If she has been cool and fun, then it's ok to buy her drinks or even dinner, only if it was just appetizer, and, she has been a good conversationalist. The trick of being a playful evaluator is to be tricky, and be ready to throw her a curve ball now and then. There's more to being a conditional nice guy that I will elaborate on next time. Until next time, follow his advice...

It just happens

This NYTimes article made me smile yesterday. The problem with people is that they take life WAY TOO SERIOUSLY!

I often wondered what drives people to pursue their passions, be that in music, in getting girls, or in blogging. For me, I started this because I felt the need to write and to do a brain dump once in awhile, but then I found it to be quite therapeutic! For some amateur musicians, they are playing music or singing because that's what they love to do, regardless of any possible financial reward. People should do what is satisfying to themselves because that activity has intrinsic value, not because they have an agenda to get some extrinsic reward. If musicians do what they do because they want money, we will simply have more boy bands of the late-90's and more shitty music. Of course, they didn't last very long either.

There's something to be said about people doing things because it's fun for them. Same can be said about being with people, and girls in particular. I've seen day in and day out, guys going out gaming with the explicit goal of taking girls home, and despite how this is depicted in many blogs, reports, and whatever else, most if not all of them almost always go home empty-handed. But then I see guys who go out to have fun, they might get girls or they might not, those are the guys who don't base their own happiness on girls, and in many ways, they don't change just to get girls. Guess what? Those are the happiest people you see around.

Another is that we should let things progress naturally and allow them to grow organically. Musicians who do their art because they love it, because it's their passion, and those guys, most of the time, usually not get that million dollar contract but they go home happy, just for the simple fact that they have played their music and there may or may not be people there to enjoy it. Same can be said about blogging, if you do a simple search, there are HUNDREDS if not THOUSANDS of websites that talk about how to get rich by blogging, and I'm willing to bet that almost all of those "bloggers" end up with ulcers and poor, even if they choose to beg, like that lame wannabe-dating-coach who once flamed me on his blog. People should blog because that's they have this inherent need to write, and if what they have written is funny, entertaining, and there might be a sliver of truth or insight, people will continue to read it. It's not a big mystery.

Ah, but what about those dating coaches? Or even life coaches? The secret is that they aren't that successful at all, that's why they need to build a pyramid scheme, so that they can feed on the later participants who are dumb enough to support them. In some ways, their success lies not in living their own lives or having girls in their lives, but they are better at creating the illusion that they have what they claim. Of course, when I talk about the probability of success vs. the possibility of success, people will bitch and complain about how negative I am and how this blog has taken a downturn or whatever, as if that hasn't been my message all along.

If the unconventional routes to success are so easy to achieve, be that all-star basketball player, be that blogger who makes millions, be that musician who signs those mega-360-contracts,... there are thousands if not millions who are languishing or have given up. The reason they are unconventional and not common is that they are more like exceptions that prove the rule. The simple fact is that conventional route to success is common because most people can be successful this way. Take education for example, it's a proven fact that those who went to good colleges, got good grades, usually will end up with good jobs and that pay reasonably well. Oh, you say, what about Bill Gates, my response is, how many Bill Gates are out there?! And if you don't believe the cliche that the best way to get rich is by inheriting it, look up Bill Gates' father, or may be Donald Trump's. Sadly, Cinderella story is just a fairy tale for kids, rags to riches stories are miracles. You know what isn't a miracle, giving birth, graduating from college, working at simple but boring jobs that pay the bill!

For people who wonder if blogging will make them rich, and I can't claim I have that many readers on my blog, but I'm willing to bet that I've made more money from this than many who tried. And guess what, I have more cash in my wallet than money I've earned from blogging! So whatever you do, do NOT do it for money, do NOT do it to get external validation, but do it for love, do it for fun, do it with passion! And in time, it just happens that you may be one of those miracles.

The state of being

I've been working on a few posts and haven't had that out burst of emotions to push me to finish them. I should start a tradition of Thursday Thank-you's. For this week, I want to thank meditation, Eckhart Tolle, Oprah, and all the fun, happy, and social people in my life, or what's left of it!

What I discover recently is that I need to set a higher standard for friends in my life. I did blog that I don't have much if any expectation of people around me, but I do have expectations of myself. Expectations are different than standards. For example, although we exist in a very class-neutral society, the sad truth is that we simply get along better with people of our own socio-economic class (e.g. earning, educational and professional levels). There's an implicit understanding between people in same or similar professions. We have that mutual understanding of how our lives are and what we have to struggle with, and in some ways, we are also oblivious to difficulties others face, which brings me to talk about my rants against idiots (namely, community guys) that pervade my blog entries in the past.

There are few times in my life that I compromised my standards, i.e. I turned a blind-eye to what is acceptable and unacceptable, all because I had suspended my logical reasoning in hopes that I was going to learn something. But the reality was that I allowed certain types of people into my life that did NOT enrich my life. My lesson is that I will not allow people who don't have their shit together be near me.

The problem with some people is that they are so needy, they want girls, they want to be rich, they want this and they want that. People with desires must translate them into actions instead of studying, wishing, pining away, or being envious of others. If there are people in your life that are perseverating over their problems, failing to follow through with their actions, or unwilling to correct their errors, then cut those people out of your life. You will be so much happier without them. Then perhaps, you will be spared from blogging about your frustrations like I have with my blog.

I've been contemplating about how I reached my current position, where I have choice, in setting my standards. The only workable solution for everyone is to go make friends, and discover on your own and where your limits are. In retrospect, I now realize how much I have compromised my values and my standards in accepting certain people into my life. So I too have been hustled by some individuals, not just in the movement itself. Knowledge, by itself, is neutral. So surround oneself with people are actually living and being whoever they are than someone who talks or claims to have master that knowledge.

The paradox of self-help

Ever wonder how there is always another breakthrough, another revelation, another brand new method to make us more productive, more self-actualized, more internally driven, more non-reactive, more and more fulfilling inside that we have to get it from outside?!

I was going to play an April's Fool prank on people but I decided to take the day off blogging so that people can reflect on the whole self-help marketing hype. Eckhart Tolle is all the rage now because he talks about being presence, being in the now, looking beyond the immediate reward, etc. To paraphrase what a friend of mine said, it's basically a repackaging of Buddhist philosophy for mass consumption in the West. I was curious of what this guy is about because being just another lemming and many of the "enlightened" seduction gurus were talking about him, so I checked out this guy.

Tolle has some interesting ideas, but they are all rehash of what has been said before, perhaps a modern interpretation of what is talked about in Zen Buddhism. Then I stumbled across him in Oprah. For those who are anti-feminist, I-am-not-a-wussy, I-am-all-about-gaming-chicks 24/7, this Tolle guy has been whoring himself out to Oprah for the past month in their online webcasts! If any seduction guru starts telling guys to watch Oprah, they might as well tell guys to leave the toilet seat down and their balls behind for girls sit on. So I stepped back and wonder how much do people really take in this self-help promotion and whether this has been yet another April's Fool that has been played on the mass consumption public for the past 30-some-odd years.

Let's dissect this a little deeper. At prima facie, this idea of being internally motivated, don't look for outside for validation, I'm all for it. Then people turn around, they are going out to buy more books to learn how to do all that. I'm not sure if there is enlightenment, and I'm the first to admit that I'm just as flawed as the next guy, but after awhile, my tolerance for bullshit is diminishing and I wonder how much more b.s. will the public take. The message is that we should not look to outside for answer, but in this book, this seminar, this workshop, this DVD, this whatever will show you how! Am I the only moron to not get this?! We should look inside for answers but we have to keep spending outside to get them?!

I too suffer from the second set of contradictions. Despite all that I rant and rave here about the self-help movement, I have benefited in terms of being more socially aware. But in terms of being internally driven, I've always been that way and that's how I got to where I am today professionally; i.e. I don't have to resort to hustling people I meet by trying to get them to buy my latest product, my new insight, my workshop / seminar,... The contradiction I see is how people use this "internally motivated" mindset to seek out external validation. Like I wrote earlier, even I suffered from it. Take pickup / seduction, on the one hand, the gurus talk about being improving oneself, but all to get girls. Just the very act of changing oneself in order to get something from someone externally has betrayed the very essence of being internally driven!

I've addressed this previously which bears repeating. Why do we constantly seek out people to show us the way? And is it the only way? Why don't we live as we please, do what we think is correct & proper, hopefully not violating or impinging on the liberty & rights of others, be at peace with who we are, and be at ease with those around us. Why do we need even need gurus? I'm not a devout Buddhist, although I am familiar with some of its philosophical underpinnings, that's basically what Buddha tried to steer people away from, we should not worship some gurus in order to reach enlightenment.

For those who wonder when I started to turn away from the community, when I stopped accepting bullshit as nuggets of gold and seeing them for what they are. So those are some contradictions that I've been wrestling with today. I thought it's quite amusing, people should take a deeper look within themselves and what they are doing. So come back tomorrow for more on how to be internally driven by reading the blog of some dude on the internet!