Defining boundaries in a relationship

People with NLP background would call this frame, those who have worked with clients / patients would define this as boundary, and most lay people would call this setting expectation. So how do you do that in a romantic relationship?

Basically, when two people come together, they have a set of do's and don'ts, what they offer and want from each other, and who will get what and who will give. Problems arise when people don't clearly state what their values are and what behavior is acceptable or unacceptable. During the initial interaction, pay attention and reward only behaviors that we want and ignore ones we don't want. Even into the early phase of a relationship, it's best not to even address the problem or ignore what you don't like and until a stronger bond is form. For example, if she flirts with other guys, just ignore her, and if she persists, then just dump her. There's no reason to invest in a drama-filled relationship.

As we spend more time together, there are many ways to subcommunicate our values and expectations without explicitly stating what we like and don't like. One way I use to communicate that is to use a similar method that adults do with children, allegories. Tell a story, or even describe the wonderful relationship between your parents, or a happy couple you admire who you would emulate. Unless the problem is serious and urgent, there's no reason to over-react. Some girls crave for attention, and they don't know how to ask for it properly, especially when they are young, so almost everything is black and white: either we are together or we have broken up. The art of having a good relationship is about setting boundaries, expectations, and having a strong frame to keep the relationship going in the direction we want.

This goes back to what is first and foremost in almost every action we take. A series of actions should lead to a specific goal. Our goals must be in congruence with our values and beliefs. Our values and beliefs are aligned in making us happy. Of course, good relationships are two-way streets that benefit parties on both sides. Most people want to have some significance; girls, in particular, want to know that they matter to us and not just a sperm-depository. We don't have to go overboard to send them flowers or giving them gifts, but we can be active listeners, we would encourage them to tell their stories, describe what they experienced, by using simple phrases, "Oh?" and "Really?" And to reinforce that bond and subtly telling them that they matter to us, "Oh, such-and-such happened today and it reminded me of you about..." This tells her that you had paid attention to what she said or did, and more importantly, you remember!

These are some tips, like lube, that will keep a relationship going. They are just building blocks, and I will talk about the keystone to keeping a good relationship next time.