Defining boundaries in a relationship

People with NLP background would call this frame, those who have worked with clients / patients would define this as boundary, and most lay people would call this setting expectation. So how do you do that in a romantic relationship?

Basically, when two people come together, they have a set of do's and don'ts, what they offer and want from each other, and who will get what and who will give. Problems arise when people don't clearly state what their values are and what behavior is acceptable or unacceptable. During the initial interaction, pay attention and reward only behaviors that we want and ignore ones we don't want. Even into the early phase of a relationship, it's best not to even address the problem or ignore what you don't like and until a stronger bond is form. For example, if she flirts with other guys, just ignore her, and if she persists, then just dump her. There's no reason to invest in a drama-filled relationship.

As we spend more time together, there are many ways to subcommunicate our values and expectations without explicitly stating what we like and don't like. One way I use to communicate that is to use a similar method that adults do with children, allegories. Tell a story, or even describe the wonderful relationship between your parents, or a happy couple you admire who you would emulate. Unless the problem is serious and urgent, there's no reason to over-react. Some girls crave for attention, and they don't know how to ask for it properly, especially when they are young, so almost everything is black and white: either we are together or we have broken up. The art of having a good relationship is about setting boundaries, expectations, and having a strong frame to keep the relationship going in the direction we want.

This goes back to what is first and foremost in almost every action we take. A series of actions should lead to a specific goal. Our goals must be in congruence with our values and beliefs. Our values and beliefs are aligned in making us happy. Of course, good relationships are two-way streets that benefit parties on both sides. Most people want to have some significance; girls, in particular, want to know that they matter to us and not just a sperm-depository. We don't have to go overboard to send them flowers or giving them gifts, but we can be active listeners, we would encourage them to tell their stories, describe what they experienced, by using simple phrases, "Oh?" and "Really?" And to reinforce that bond and subtly telling them that they matter to us, "Oh, such-and-such happened today and it reminded me of you about..." This tells her that you had paid attention to what she said or did, and more importantly, you remember!

These are some tips, like lube, that will keep a relationship going. They are just building blocks, and I will talk about the keystone to keeping a good relationship next time.

Some recent revelations

While I was out with my "wings" that I met in the lair over one year ago, girls have pulled me aside on several occasions to ask why I was hanging out with weirdos. I was quite tolerant of those weirdos at that time, so I dismissed questions from those girls as shit tests and eventually, I finally realized the problem.

Almost everyone have seen movies about autistic savants, the classic one being Rain Man, they have this innate talent and no only that, they have this internal compulsion to do that one thing until they get good at that one specific task. In my experience, extroverted guys also have a similar compulsion, they feed off the energy of the group and they can barely stand being alone by themselves. So they naturally have plenty of friends and of course, they usually are quite good with girls. Same way with some guys who are good with women because they have this naturally high sex-drive.

This might be a logical fallacy, then I looked back at guys who have very little experience with women, they tend to have much lower sex drive. Of the guys who I've met in the community, most of them prefer spending time by themselves or go out to game girls with other guys, of course, they almost always end up going home with guys. This led me to coming up with the more accurate description of "sarging," basically, guys going out on dates with other guys.

Back in the forum, guys spend more time trying to convince among themselves who is better at getting girls by posting their (fabricated) reports. For some reasons, this just escaped the attention of these supposedly smart guys, that most of these reports were filed around 2-5am in the morning. Now, I don't have that much sexual experience, and I certainly am not that great in bed, but after sex at night, I'm usually dead tired and sleeping around that time to even think about posting at those early hours. And those who know me can testify that I don't sleep that much, and if I were to be involved in a pull, followed by sex, and may be even a 3some, I certainly wouldn't have the energy nor would I be awake at that time to post or even visit the lair forum.

Then I figured out that guys were more busy in setting up dates, umm, out winging / sarging, with each other and seducing each other to go to workshops, buy into materials, or sign up for bootcamps. Where is a better place to find a group of sexually frustrated, confused, and inexperienced young males than the lair? The lair is the perfect place for gay guys to hide. I don't mean the queer and proud to be queer, but the insidiously destructive kind, the ones who are outwardly in denial, but inwardly self-loathing type. So there it is, the lair is the all new 21st-century version of the old Catholic church for the clergy, where closeted gays hide to seduce young guys. If these guys were truly interested in girls and have the healthy heterosexual drive, they would be good at getting girls instead of spending years in forums looking for wings and newbies. If only they would make a video like this:

The truth of getting girls is out

There's this rather lame wannabe-hustler trying to start a cult-following here to basically pay him for regurgitating pick-up tips that's available elsewhere for free. Apparently, there's a record low turn-out and now he's threatening to shut it down. Good riddance! And go get a real job instead of trying to hustle money from people.

Coinciding with that is also a record low enrollment into a RSD bootcamp here, I hope the message is getting out there... that this pick-up / dating / seduction racket is about to die! People are starting to see this for what it is. As a good friend of mine said it best, "Pickup bootcamp is about selling dreams." The dreams of dating multiple super hot model-lookalikes, a new girl every time going out, and regular threesomes.

The best case scenario is that a few guys might get lucky, but that, I mean the ones with enough courage to keep talking to enough girls at any venue, they will stumble upon on some drunk girls and they might end up going home, the rate drops off dramatically, whether they will end up having sex, and probably infinitesimally small that they had good sex, which I will explain why later.

Just think through this problem logically, instead of getting all caught up in the marketing, of all the people you have in your life, how many do you think you can count on if shit hits the fan?! Who do you get along? The number is probably quite small. That's probably the same ratio as the number of girls you will hook up with vs. the girls you just chat up.

Another scenario, if you were a decent looking girl, with a decent job, and if you are social enough to go out, and probably surrounded by friends, you have so many choices with guys. As one girl told me, if she has chosen to, she could have free meal every day, until her look wears out, most likely into her 30's. If she has so many options, why would she go home with a random stranger, spread her leg, and let him invade her?! Can you imagine how much she has to like that guy, even at the superficial level, AND how much she has to trust him not to harm her? Sure, they might go out for some drunken sex now and then, but if that's the case, guys don't need much game at all!

First, the community started by that creepy dude using hypnotic suggestions. Then it moved on to the sequential steps, routines-based method. Now, the natural game is all the rage. Ultimately, the game is about being real. Not just a better self, the best self, you simply have to be the best. There will always be a few hustlers here and there who will skirt the law and find shortcuts through some parts of life. For the rest of the masses, we simply have to be the best at who we are and what we do.

People can try to learn fearless first impression with banter, real deal rapport, they might even get the blueprint to girls, but they will never double their dating. The tried-and-true way of getting girls, which has existed for eons, and which also lead to over 6 billion people today, is about being happy, being accepting of oneself, surrounding ourselves with good people, and truly living the life we want.

How factually truthful are FR and LR?

For guys first starting this, these reports are like gospels. They offer a ray of hope that any of us can get almost any girl, any where, at any time. Many reports read like a scripted play, where participants go through this intricate and well-choreographed performance. They almost read like the Harlequin novel written for guys, with a strangely coincidental resemblance to many porn movies. Even if they are possible, how probable are they?

Remember back when you were a kid, and you were listening to your friend's re-telling of his story? The story of how he scaled that 2-story high fence, leaped from tree to tree, subdued your neighbor's pitbull, and finally fought off that rabid chipmunk just to retrieve that baseball. When the reality was that the baseball crashed through your neighbor's window and you both ran back home to hide. Sure, I grant that you most reports have an element of truth to them. The sad fact is that most guys exaggerate, not necessarily because they have some ulterior motives, which I will get to, but that's just how guys are, they sit around, they drink, they eat, they smoke, and they brag. Oh, sorry, the proper lingo is that they are telling DHV stories.

For the most part, most reports are written to present the "PUA" in the best light possible. Some writers would take small artistic embellishments here and there, like he conveniently forgot to mention that she was 300 lbs, and no, she didn't have a glass eye, but her piercing left eye was transfixed at his lips, that's when he went in for the kiss close because we all should only focus on the girl's left eye to access her emotions! Or that he fuck / bang-closed her, when the reality was that he took her home, she passed out from boozing, and just as he was about to whip out his limp whiskey dick, oh sorry, Kung-Fu Penis, she vomited all over his mattress, the one he dragged from the dumpster a few weeks back.

I didn't realize that FR really stood for Fake-Reports until I read about that self-proclaimed stripper-dating Top-10 PUA. His report described how he #closed then pulled, when the reality that I witnessed was how she kept trying to talk to him while he was busy doing whatever, that's when I pushed him to get her number. Of course, nothing came of that number. Just as guys would claim how they can get IOIs, hook sets, and get numbers with ease. For some unfathomable reasons, they still have to keep trucking out every weekend and go home empty-handed, and some, with teary eyes because girls rejected him. You'd think that by the law of random probability alone, they would get some, because the reality is that all they did was standing around the room, like wallflowers, oh sorry, "chodes," looking for AI, IOI, and then scurry home when the venue closes.

In some ways, the fact that they did nothing was a good thing... Finally, people can go out to have fun and not be interrupted! But that's not the worst of it, they would go and pretend to be the suave modern-day Casanovas by posting these fake and lame reports on forum, bragging about their exploits. Of course, as soon as they recognize IOI's from other guys in the forum, that's when these dudes become dating coaches to hustle other newbies: the full male-on-male seduction occurs. But they don't ever mention how they too would try to get girls on Craig's List or post ads there hoping to get some.

So most forums degenerate into the hunter-prey eco-system. Where newly joined newbies are preys and the old guards are hunters trying to get into each other's pants, usually for money, may be for sexual favors, which I might reveal later. So what is the reality? Sure, if you talk with enough people, some will go home with you, usually the skanky, drunk, fat, ugly, and / or old "girls." If you think a model, not coked out or drugged up, would she go home with some dude she just met at a bar? Sure, it's possible, just as it's possible you can win with that Powerball lottery ticket, but what's the probability?!

What's the solution? Go out, keep talking to people, eventually, you too will stumble onto a fat, ugly, and drunk girl, then you can decide whether you want to take her home or not. And no, there's no secret society, it existed only in the Fight Club movie, and even then, only in Tyler Durden's head. Sure, there are guys with girls, just as there are pimps with crack whores, you want to do those girls?!

Check it out!

A very good friend of mine just moved away to a new place, being among the gay crew and an enthusiastic participant in the circle jerk, he has started a new blog. He plans to chronicle his journey from how to prepare his move all the way to building a social circle of friends. He's not much of a gamer, and he's by no means a "PUA." But he's a funny guy with plenty of friends wherever he goes.

A good measure of a man is the kind of friends he has. Many people live a very sheltered life and cloistered at work by LCD's. They don't go out to meet people, make friends, and go experience the world. Those lonely friendless chumps are ones joining the community, thinking they will be buried by an avalanche of pussies by going out to game or pick up girls. The reality is so far from what gurus brag, uh, talk about in their "DHV" (oh, sorry, blog about) stories.

I'm sure there are exceptions, but they prove the reality. The reality is that most big-name (not the self-proclaimed ones in forums) gurus are pretty normal guys, and if you drop them in any group of people, they will easily befriend and win over people. In contrast, most guys in the community are not even comfortable in their own skins, much less around people, or girls in particular. They have this uneasiness about them which stems from within of not being at peace with themselves.

We can keep pushing back and they will end up in years of therapy. A better way is to go out, make friends with people, there will be drama, shit will hit the fan, and there will be moments when they will discover themselves for who they are. We can learn a lot about ourselves by the reflection that our friends are mirroring back.

To most normal people, this is so simple and intuitive, but for whatever reasons, people in the community are so warped that they don't even consider this. They want to be pro-dancers before they even know how to walk, so they would try to learn techniques, methods, and whatever else in order to game girls, and you can easily guess the result, they end up being alone, lonely, and chronic posters in seduction forums trying to impress other lonely boys.

Can you make anyone fall in love with you?

Atthe initial meeting? Most guys go out day in, day out, night in, and night out to game girls. They do the obligatory 3-practice sets, obey the 3-second rule, be outcome independent, and while reciting many other mantras. When the easiest thing to do is doing the simplest thing.

Think back about yourself, how many close friends do you have? Who can you confide to? Who do you want to come eulogize you at your funeral? How many of your friends can you depend on? What I'm saying is that when all is said and done, there are only a few friends we have. Now, think about that when you go up and talk to a girl. If your social circles of friends are small, the likelihood of you having some success with any girl you talk to is proportional to the number of friends you already have. If you have a small group of friends, chances are that only a few girls you talk to will get you or dig your presence.

That, my friend, is called having realistic expectation of success with women. Of course, like most things in life, we can change that. We can start havingsmall talks with more people, shooting the shit with random strangers, totally disregard the outcome, have no intention, and want nothing other than good conversations. Slowly but surely, our social circles will enlarge and we will have more people in different walks of life in our lives.

Although we might not live in a very structured class-society, like India with itscaste-system, there are still some social / economic / (dare I say) racial classesin America. The reality is that they exist, we can try to change it or we can adapt. The problem with many people is that they either blame the system and then give up, or they don't realize that they can work to improve who they are. Most people don't engage in risky behaviors that may lead to success, i.e. like talking with strangers, but they do things that are familiar and comfortable, such as either keeping to themselves, or constantly running community gambits rather than trying something different to see how it works.

Once we have friends in different classes and walks of life, then we can empathize with more groups of people who are different from us, that is how rapport is built. By knowing people in different strata, we will inevitably find our own comfort zone. Just as a 40something guy is very unlikely to connect with a 20something party girl, the same is true with a career-oriented guy being with a punk-rock rebellious girl. Sure, those are social constructs, the trick is having experience with people and we can slowly breach those barriers by having friends who are like that first, before we can start "gaming girls" who are different.

The Secret

Yes, " The Secret" has been out for awhile now, so it's no big secret if everyone is talking about it. In my view, it's not about the Law of Attraction, positive thinking (i.e. reframing), and all those woo-woo bull, it's the same thing that (some of) our parents have been telling us when we were growing up.

One thing I like to do is to uncover things and get to the core. If someone wants something bad enough, s/he will get it. Another way of saying it is, as many have advised us, that we all must set goals and stick to them. That advice is great, but how do people actually go about implementing it?!

Setting realistic goals is the most important. Many people want to be pulling hottiesand slaying virgins... that's like a kid dreaming to be the first astronaut to land on Mars. Sure, for some, that's doable, but in order to get there, we have to sort out a few things.

Instead of trying to be a ladies man, how about being a people person? You know, that charismatic guy that people like, and if enough people like him, inevitably, some girls will be attracted to him. In order to be a people person, he must have friends. Not just male friends (you know, lair / community guys) who date, umm, "wing / sarge" with each other, I mean friends who enjoy being with each other, have fun in spite of and not in need of having girls around. As soon as girls see that they can be part of that social circle of great friends, they will be drawn to it and the entire group can be out having fun. Success building on smaller successes.

What I just described is what David Allen described in his "Getting Things Done"book, break down goals into steps that are actionable, i.e. a specific task that we can do instead of something murky and exists only in dreams. So instead of dreaming of superhotties in MLTRs, be practical, how about having many friends, and go do fun activities with friends. Cultivate a social circle of friends, friends who are not to get something from each other, but friends who enjoy being with each other and that friendship should not be built on getting girls, but true friendship.

The secret isn't about just dreams, or focus on only positives. The secret is about setting realistic goals, break down goals into tasks that are do-able, and to reach those goals, stop learning, stop scheming, stop thinking, but start doing!