Defining boundaries in a relationship

People with NLP background would call this frame, those who have worked with clients / patients would define this as boundary, and most lay people would call this setting expectation. So how do you do that in a romantic relationship?

Basically, when two people come together, they have a set of do's and don'ts, what they offer and want from each other, and who will get what and who will give. Problems arise when people don't clearly state what their values are and what behavior is acceptable or unacceptable. During the initial interaction, pay attention and reward only behaviors that we want and ignore ones we don't want. Even into the early phase of a relationship, it's best not to even address the problem or ignore what you don't like and until a stronger bond is form. For example, if she flirts with other guys, just ignore her, and if she persists, then just dump her. There's no reason to invest in a drama-filled relationship.

As we spend more time together, there are many ways to subcommunicate our values and expectations without explicitly stating what we like and don't like. One way I use to communicate that is to use a similar method that adults do with children, allegories. Tell a story, or even describe the wonderful relationship between your parents, or a happy couple you admire who you would emulate. Unless the problem is serious and urgent, there's no reason to over-react. Some girls crave for attention, and they don't know how to ask for it properly, especially when they are young, so almost everything is black and white: either we are together or we have broken up. The art of having a good relationship is about setting boundaries, expectations, and having a strong frame to keep the relationship going in the direction we want.

This goes back to what is first and foremost in almost every action we take. A series of actions should lead to a specific goal. Our goals must be in congruence with our values and beliefs. Our values and beliefs are aligned in making us happy. Of course, good relationships are two-way streets that benefit parties on both sides. Most people want to have some significance; girls, in particular, want to know that they matter to us and not just a sperm-depository. We don't have to go overboard to send them flowers or giving them gifts, but we can be active listeners, we would encourage them to tell their stories, describe what they experienced, by using simple phrases, "Oh?" and "Really?" And to reinforce that bond and subtly telling them that they matter to us, "Oh, such-and-such happened today and it reminded me of you about..." This tells her that you had paid attention to what she said or did, and more importantly, you remember!

These are some tips, like lube, that will keep a relationship going. They are just building blocks, and I will talk about the keystone to keeping a good relationship next time.

Some recent revelations

While I was out with my "wings" that I met in the lair over one year ago, girls have pulled me aside on several occasions to ask why I was hanging out with weirdos. I was quite tolerant of those weirdos at that time, so I dismissed questions from those girls as shit tests and eventually, I finally realized the problem.

Almost everyone have seen movies about autistic savants, the classic one being Rain Man, they have this innate talent and no only that, they have this internal compulsion to do that one thing until they get good at that one specific task. In my experience, extroverted guys also have a similar compulsion, they feed off the energy of the group and they can barely stand being alone by themselves. So they naturally have plenty of friends and of course, they usually are quite good with girls. Same way with some guys who are good with women because they have this naturally high sex-drive.

This might be a logical fallacy, then I looked back at guys who have very little experience with women, they tend to have much lower sex drive. Of the guys who I've met in the community, most of them prefer spending time by themselves or go out to game girls with other guys, of course, they almost always end up going home with guys. This led me to coming up with the more accurate description of "sarging," basically, guys going out on dates with other guys.

Back in the forum, guys spend more time trying to convince among themselves who is better at getting girls by posting their (fabricated) reports. For some reasons, this just escaped the attention of these supposedly smart guys, that most of these reports were filed around 2-5am in the morning. Now, I don't have that much sexual experience, and I certainly am not that great in bed, but after sex at night, I'm usually dead tired and sleeping around that time to even think about posting at those early hours. And those who know me can testify that I don't sleep that much, and if I were to be involved in a pull, followed by sex, and may be even a 3some, I certainly wouldn't have the energy nor would I be awake at that time to post or even visit the lair forum.

Then I figured out that guys were more busy in setting up dates, umm, out winging / sarging, with each other and seducing each other to go to workshops, buy into materials, or sign up for bootcamps. Where is a better place to find a group of sexually frustrated, confused, and inexperienced young males than the lair? The lair is the perfect place for gay guys to hide. I don't mean the queer and proud to be queer, but the insidiously destructive kind, the ones who are outwardly in denial, but inwardly self-loathing type. So there it is, the lair is the all new 21st-century version of the old Catholic church for the clergy, where closeted gays hide to seduce young guys. If these guys were truly interested in girls and have the healthy heterosexual drive, they would be good at getting girls instead of spending years in forums looking for wings and newbies. If only they would make a video like this:

The truth of getting girls is out

There's this rather lame wannabe-hustler trying to start a cult-following here to basically pay him for regurgitating pick-up tips that's available elsewhere for free. Apparently, there's a record low turn-out and now he's threatening to shut it down. Good riddance! And go get a real job instead of trying to hustle money from people.

Coinciding with that is also a record low enrollment into a RSD bootcamp here, I hope the message is getting out there... that this pick-up / dating / seduction racket is about to die! People are starting to see this for what it is. As a good friend of mine said it best, "Pickup bootcamp is about selling dreams." The dreams of dating multiple super hot model-lookalikes, a new girl every time going out, and regular threesomes.

The best case scenario is that a few guys might get lucky, but that, I mean the ones with enough courage to keep talking to enough girls at any venue, they will stumble upon on some drunk girls and they might end up going home, the rate drops off dramatically, whether they will end up having sex, and probably infinitesimally small that they had good sex, which I will explain why later.

Just think through this problem logically, instead of getting all caught up in the marketing, of all the people you have in your life, how many do you think you can count on if shit hits the fan?! Who do you get along? The number is probably quite small. That's probably the same ratio as the number of girls you will hook up with vs. the girls you just chat up.

Another scenario, if you were a decent looking girl, with a decent job, and if you are social enough to go out, and probably surrounded by friends, you have so many choices with guys. As one girl told me, if she has chosen to, she could have free meal every day, until her look wears out, most likely into her 30's. If she has so many options, why would she go home with a random stranger, spread her leg, and let him invade her?! Can you imagine how much she has to like that guy, even at the superficial level, AND how much she has to trust him not to harm her? Sure, they might go out for some drunken sex now and then, but if that's the case, guys don't need much game at all!

First, the community started by that creepy dude using hypnotic suggestions. Then it moved on to the sequential steps, routines-based method. Now, the natural game is all the rage. Ultimately, the game is about being real. Not just a better self, the best self, you simply have to be the best. There will always be a few hustlers here and there who will skirt the law and find shortcuts through some parts of life. For the rest of the masses, we simply have to be the best at who we are and what we do.

People can try to learn fearless first impression with banter, real deal rapport, they might even get the blueprint to girls, but they will never double their dating. The tried-and-true way of getting girls, which has existed for eons, and which also lead to over 6 billion people today, is about being happy, being accepting of oneself, surrounding ourselves with good people, and truly living the life we want.

How factually truthful are FR and LR?

For guys first starting this, these reports are like gospels. They offer a ray of hope that any of us can get almost any girl, any where, at any time. Many reports read like a scripted play, where participants go through this intricate and well-choreographed performance. They almost read like the Harlequin novel written for guys, with a strangely coincidental resemblance to many porn movies. Even if they are possible, how probable are they?

Remember back when you were a kid, and you were listening to your friend's re-telling of his story? The story of how he scaled that 2-story high fence, leaped from tree to tree, subdued your neighbor's pitbull, and finally fought off that rabid chipmunk just to retrieve that baseball. When the reality was that the baseball crashed through your neighbor's window and you both ran back home to hide. Sure, I grant that you most reports have an element of truth to them. The sad fact is that most guys exaggerate, not necessarily because they have some ulterior motives, which I will get to, but that's just how guys are, they sit around, they drink, they eat, they smoke, and they brag. Oh, sorry, the proper lingo is that they are telling DHV stories.

For the most part, most reports are written to present the "PUA" in the best light possible. Some writers would take small artistic embellishments here and there, like he conveniently forgot to mention that she was 300 lbs, and no, she didn't have a glass eye, but her piercing left eye was transfixed at his lips, that's when he went in for the kiss close because we all should only focus on the girl's left eye to access her emotions! Or that he fuck / bang-closed her, when the reality was that he took her home, she passed out from boozing, and just as he was about to whip out his limp whiskey dick, oh sorry, Kung-Fu Penis, she vomited all over his mattress, the one he dragged from the dumpster a few weeks back.

I didn't realize that FR really stood for Fake-Reports until I read about that self-proclaimed stripper-dating Top-10 PUA. His report described how he #closed then pulled, when the reality that I witnessed was how she kept trying to talk to him while he was busy doing whatever, that's when I pushed him to get her number. Of course, nothing came of that number. Just as guys would claim how they can get IOIs, hook sets, and get numbers with ease. For some unfathomable reasons, they still have to keep trucking out every weekend and go home empty-handed, and some, with teary eyes because girls rejected him. You'd think that by the law of random probability alone, they would get some, because the reality is that all they did was standing around the room, like wallflowers, oh sorry, "chodes," looking for AI, IOI, and then scurry home when the venue closes.

In some ways, the fact that they did nothing was a good thing... Finally, people can go out to have fun and not be interrupted! But that's not the worst of it, they would go and pretend to be the suave modern-day Casanovas by posting these fake and lame reports on forum, bragging about their exploits. Of course, as soon as they recognize IOI's from other guys in the forum, that's when these dudes become dating coaches to hustle other newbies: the full male-on-male seduction occurs. But they don't ever mention how they too would try to get girls on Craig's List or post ads there hoping to get some.

So most forums degenerate into the hunter-prey eco-system. Where newly joined newbies are preys and the old guards are hunters trying to get into each other's pants, usually for money, may be for sexual favors, which I might reveal later. So what is the reality? Sure, if you talk with enough people, some will go home with you, usually the skanky, drunk, fat, ugly, and / or old "girls." If you think a model, not coked out or drugged up, would she go home with some dude she just met at a bar? Sure, it's possible, just as it's possible you can win with that Powerball lottery ticket, but what's the probability?!

What's the solution? Go out, keep talking to people, eventually, you too will stumble onto a fat, ugly, and drunk girl, then you can decide whether you want to take her home or not. And no, there's no secret society, it existed only in the Fight Club movie, and even then, only in Tyler Durden's head. Sure, there are guys with girls, just as there are pimps with crack whores, you want to do those girls?!

Check it out!

A very good friend of mine just moved away to a new place, being among the gay crew and an enthusiastic participant in the circle jerk, he has started a new blog. He plans to chronicle his journey from how to prepare his move all the way to building a social circle of friends. He's not much of a gamer, and he's by no means a "PUA." But he's a funny guy with plenty of friends wherever he goes.

A good measure of a man is the kind of friends he has. Many people live a very sheltered life and cloistered at work by LCD's. They don't go out to meet people, make friends, and go experience the world. Those lonely friendless chumps are ones joining the community, thinking they will be buried by an avalanche of pussies by going out to game or pick up girls. The reality is so far from what gurus brag, uh, talk about in their "DHV" (oh, sorry, blog about) stories.

I'm sure there are exceptions, but they prove the reality. The reality is that most big-name (not the self-proclaimed ones in forums) gurus are pretty normal guys, and if you drop them in any group of people, they will easily befriend and win over people. In contrast, most guys in the community are not even comfortable in their own skins, much less around people, or girls in particular. They have this uneasiness about them which stems from within of not being at peace with themselves.

We can keep pushing back and they will end up in years of therapy. A better way is to go out, make friends with people, there will be drama, shit will hit the fan, and there will be moments when they will discover themselves for who they are. We can learn a lot about ourselves by the reflection that our friends are mirroring back.

To most normal people, this is so simple and intuitive, but for whatever reasons, people in the community are so warped that they don't even consider this. They want to be pro-dancers before they even know how to walk, so they would try to learn techniques, methods, and whatever else in order to game girls, and you can easily guess the result, they end up being alone, lonely, and chronic posters in seduction forums trying to impress other lonely boys.

Can you make anyone fall in love with you?

Atthe initial meeting? Most guys go out day in, day out, night in, and night out to game girls. They do the obligatory 3-practice sets, obey the 3-second rule, be outcome independent, and while reciting many other mantras. When the easiest thing to do is doing the simplest thing.

Think back about yourself, how many close friends do you have? Who can you confide to? Who do you want to come eulogize you at your funeral? How many of your friends can you depend on? What I'm saying is that when all is said and done, there are only a few friends we have. Now, think about that when you go up and talk to a girl. If your social circles of friends are small, the likelihood of you having some success with any girl you talk to is proportional to the number of friends you already have. If you have a small group of friends, chances are that only a few girls you talk to will get you or dig your presence.

That, my friend, is called having realistic expectation of success with women. Of course, like most things in life, we can change that. We can start havingsmall talks with more people, shooting the shit with random strangers, totally disregard the outcome, have no intention, and want nothing other than good conversations. Slowly but surely, our social circles will enlarge and we will have more people in different walks of life in our lives.

Although we might not live in a very structured class-society, like India with itscaste-system, there are still some social / economic / (dare I say) racial classesin America. The reality is that they exist, we can try to change it or we can adapt. The problem with many people is that they either blame the system and then give up, or they don't realize that they can work to improve who they are. Most people don't engage in risky behaviors that may lead to success, i.e. like talking with strangers, but they do things that are familiar and comfortable, such as either keeping to themselves, or constantly running community gambits rather than trying something different to see how it works.

Once we have friends in different classes and walks of life, then we can empathize with more groups of people who are different from us, that is how rapport is built. By knowing people in different strata, we will inevitably find our own comfort zone. Just as a 40something guy is very unlikely to connect with a 20something party girl, the same is true with a career-oriented guy being with a punk-rock rebellious girl. Sure, those are social constructs, the trick is having experience with people and we can slowly breach those barriers by having friends who are like that first, before we can start "gaming girls" who are different.

The Secret

Yes, " The Secret" has been out for awhile now, so it's no big secret if everyone is talking about it. In my view, it's not about the Law of Attraction, positive thinking (i.e. reframing), and all those woo-woo bull, it's the same thing that (some of) our parents have been telling us when we were growing up.

One thing I like to do is to uncover things and get to the core. If someone wants something bad enough, s/he will get it. Another way of saying it is, as many have advised us, that we all must set goals and stick to them. That advice is great, but how do people actually go about implementing it?!

Setting realistic goals is the most important. Many people want to be pulling hottiesand slaying virgins... that's like a kid dreaming to be the first astronaut to land on Mars. Sure, for some, that's doable, but in order to get there, we have to sort out a few things.

Instead of trying to be a ladies man, how about being a people person? You know, that charismatic guy that people like, and if enough people like him, inevitably, some girls will be attracted to him. In order to be a people person, he must have friends. Not just male friends (you know, lair / community guys) who date, umm, "wing / sarge" with each other, I mean friends who enjoy being with each other, have fun in spite of and not in need of having girls around. As soon as girls see that they can be part of that social circle of great friends, they will be drawn to it and the entire group can be out having fun. Success building on smaller successes.

What I just described is what David Allen described in his "Getting Things Done"book, break down goals into steps that are actionable, i.e. a specific task that we can do instead of something murky and exists only in dreams. So instead of dreaming of superhotties in MLTRs, be practical, how about having many friends, and go do fun activities with friends. Cultivate a social circle of friends, friends who are not to get something from each other, but friends who enjoy being with each other and that friendship should not be built on getting girls, but true friendship.

The secret isn't about just dreams, or focus on only positives. The secret is about setting realistic goals, break down goals into tasks that are do-able, and to reach those goals, stop learning, stop scheming, stop thinking, but start doing!

The awakening

Back in early 2006, I went to a "lair meeting" thinking that I would meet some real life ladies men. Little did I realize (until later), that almost all those guys were social retards. How did I figure out?

There was this semi-private email list of guys who were "sargers" because they went out regularly. I got myself into that list very quickly thinking I was on the road to success. I also suspended my judgment and logical reasoning to the point I was asking some kid for advice on relationship. Of course, he spouted off what he read in some forum and I thought to myself, "Wow, may be he knows some stuff." What perplexed me at that time was that he constantly talked up about himself, like he was dating a stripper, yet I've never met any girl he was dating or dated. Of course, several guys sent me private messages on a newly setup forum. I suspect that because of my professional background, which was the reason why they contacted me. So I went out with several and I had zero success.

By zero success, I meant we spent more time talking about game and women than actually interacting with people, and women in particular. I still had faith, in fact, one guy who I was "sarging" (more like "dating") with suggested doing the Mystery's Newbie Mission.

Little did I know, he has been doing the "newbie mission" on and off for nearly 2 or 3 years without any success, and the only girls he dated were all from match.com. It was quite funny how he reframed that he liked ugly and fobby Asian girls. In actuality, he just couldn't get younger (below 35 yo), hotter, more culturally savvy (as in more Americanized) girls. He even went as far as going to Japan to teach there in order to get those girls, and just this past year, he wants to go teach ESL classes just so he can get younger girls. That, to me, sounds not only creepy but predatory. Guys, who are that desperate for girls, are trying to avoid something, they hide their cocks inside vulnerable pussies just to prove that they would rather have cocks up their asses.

Going back to the first guy who claimed to be dating strippers, that wasn't his lies... but I was beginning to see through his bullshit. He couldn't even drive from point A to B on a map, after given explicit direction. How can anyone "date" a girl without any rudimentary sense of direction? The match.com addict was a guy without any sense of direction in his life. He's in his late-30's, he hated his career, living situation, and just his life in general. But in the forum, he would craft these posts that present himself as someone who knew about women and they were just rehash of the same bullshit being promulgated in the community.

After repeatedly going out for nearly 1 year, I thought to myself, these guys don't have friends outside of the community, may be they are just anti-social misfits, not having girls in their lives was just a symptom of a more deep-rooted problem. So I contacted a few other guys who have friends, who went out regularly with their non-community friends, surprisingly, their non-community friends got along with me and liked me! Of the guys who had non-community friends, they all told me that they were very hesitant about introducing community guys to their non-community friends because there was just something off about community guys, but I was the exception.

I then realized that I was quite normal, I might have been shy but I certainly wasn't a social retard or a misfit, unlike most community guys, which led me to started blogging about my journey, my transformation, and how I turned away from the community in general. In case I haven't mentioned, I'm a slow learner! I now see the community for what it is, a cesspool of societal rejects who are busy trying to seduce each other, trying to convince each other that they are good with women, when in reality, a woman with any social intelligence would reject these guys out right. Worst yet, these guys never have and probably never will improve because they are so busy trying to best each other in the forum instead of going out and work on themselves.

My advice has been, the best thing to get out of the community is to get out. Distance yourself away from people who are social retards because their behaviors will rub off on you, and if nothing else, there will be fewer community guys trying to hustle you for money, fame, and eventually, sexual favors.

Santa claus, tooth fairy, easter bunny

And the adult version of the same myth, dating coaches who get laid just like they claimed in their reports/blogs. For reasons unknown to me, adults seem to throw logic and reasoning out the window when they go on these self-improvement journeys. What they don't realize, in their drive to better themselves, is that they are enriching others in the process, who are telling them what they want to hear instead of taking the necessary steps of improving themselves.

Perhaps others have asked this already, if these self-improvement gurus (I'm lumping dating coaches in this) are so successful at doing whatever they are doing, why are they still working at their ripe old age? Take Tony Robbins, Brian Tracy, and so on... These guys have been at this for longer than I've been alive and yet, they are still out there in the talk show circuit hawking their wares, still writing books, still giving lectures, and still trying to make a buck. Whatever happened to applying what they teach to live out their twilight years basking in the glory of their success?!

Of course they are not, because they are sucking at their lives. A similar parallel can be drawn with palm readers, fortune tellers, and those ilks. If they only apply what they tell others, and what they talk about is truly useful and applicable, they wouldn't still be working. Somehow, in the human psyche, people have so much fear and deep-seated insecurities, they constantly go out to seek external affirmation, paternal validation, and maternal reassurance that they can do whatever they need to do in their lives.

Take seduction, if getting girls is such a difficult activity, we wouldn't have over six billions people on earth today. But with so much disposable income, people are now engaging life coaches, dating coaches, and every thing in between just to go about their daily lives. They all think that by doing this, they can divorce themselves from society by taking that proverbial 'red pill' to leave the matrix. When in reality, they are only deluding themselves into believing in myths and fantasies, as though they are living the waking dream.

Are there some people who are more successful? Are there people who are richer? Are there people who have more sex partners? Sure. Just as there are pro-sport stars and there are some who can dunk in basketball, instead of trying to be like those people, I know it's difficult, people need to look within, find out their own strengths, exploit them to overcome their weaknesses. We don't need to be somebody to be happy. We have to start with being happy with who we are first.

The happiest place on earth...

A companion piece to an earlier blog entry.

The American Dream

George Carlin: The only way to experience it is to be asleep!

Apropos of my recent posts questioning about people pursuing the American Dream, and those who just want to bang as many hot girls as possible without understanding why or knowing how. And worst of all, the dating coaches, the life coaches, and very soon, walking coaches, they all are preying on the dreamers.

This video reminds me once again, why some people are so unhappy and why many others are so happy.

How to have drama-free and great relationships

For those with some success in the field and somehow ended up with a regular girl, here are some tips to keep dramas out of relationships. The overarching goal of a good relationship is to build memories together, preferably fun, happy, sexy memories. With that said, finding the balance of doing something new all the time while still doing the basic bread'n'butter activities will be challenging.

First, have great friends, normal and social friends who are fun to hang out. My experience is that I have more success with introducing girls to my group of friends first, we go hang out together. I do this usually after I've been out with the girl a few times and we are almost tired of just having sex. When hanging out with friends, keep the talk about other girls out of the conversation. Guys have a tendency to brag, that's how "FR/LR" in community forums came about. Keep conversations light, talk about travel, hobbies, vacations, and be sure to make plans for future adventures together.

This isn't breakthrough comfort or get girls to fall so deeply in love with you... and sadly, there will be no 3-hour seminar with in-field training. So take notes! Go do physically exhaustive activities together, be that biking, rollerblading, skiing, hiking,... These will get the feel-good hormones going. The next set of activities will be something you all will talk about afterward: bungee jumping, skydiving, para-gliding, water-skiing, surfing,... not only are these activities physically demanding but they also pump up emotional/limbic part of the brain. Of course, there are the usual couple-y activities, like dinner, talk, tv,... One thing to try is to re-tell the same story as it's your first time. When she reminds you that you've told her that story, try responding with, "Oh, really? My god, I can't believe I've told you that... I guess I'm not so good with keeping secrets from you!" This subcommunicates that you share with her and there's no secret between you two.

Another thing that girls like is to know that we think about them during our normal daily activities. So while I tell a story, I would tell her about something that transpired earlier and how it reminded me of such-and-such about her. Then they know that they have triggered that pair-bonding mechanism in us. Start with those two things, and there are a few more here. This is just the beginning to having great relationships.

Be your own coach and start your own workshop

A good friend of mine in marketing was telling me about the secret. The secret to selling... the first step is to make people feel inadequate about themselves and then, we are there to offer them a solution, a method, some techniques that will annihilate any method, may be, a lifestyle change, a road to transformation, perhaps, a blueprint?

The best way to improve isn't to horde everything out there. Sometimes, they even contradict each other. For example, David D is the preacher for cocky'n'funny. So many guys fail repeatedly because they keep trying to be cocky and funny... and you know what they do? They go back for more David D materials! I'll blog about how to use C&F successfully... Back to the real conspiracy at hands, it is in the best interest of dating coaches to (1) make us feel miserable about ourselves, (2) keep failing with girls, and (3) keep buying their (new) materials.

Another method is Mystery's M3 model. Sure, it's a great model, how often do you keep thinking to yourself, am I in A2 or A3, or have I counted enough IOIs? Should I DHV now that I have microcalibrated by IOD'ing her IOD? Many people focus their energy in the A2 phase and never get into A3, and if they have learned some C&F, they don't ever get into comfort, so they end up having very weak closes. A3 may not even be necessary if the girl is drunk and out to get laid. But to prevent flaking or buyer's remorse, we have to get into comfort and build some emotional connection.

And for people who use the Juggler method, they have some common pitfalls. They would assume attraction, which is okay if they have interesting conversation threads or they would know how to flirt, using C&F and push-pulls. Instead, JM students focus too much on open ended questions, so they come across as nosy, needy, without justification, and consequently, creepy! Another is their focus on using I statements, they ended up sounding like a retarded kid who has no social awareness.

What's the best way to improve? Some talked about being a closer, the best way to close is to build commonality. Then constantly escalate, always push the interaction until we can sense that she's uncomfortable, then withdraw. Keep repeating the push-pull until there's a tension makes it inevitable that we will see each other.

Here's an example. I start a conversation with a girl, I teased her a bit about her shimmering makeup and how it reminds me of a little girl (make this personal, your little sister, cousin, niece,...). The goal is to start painting an image in her head that I'm more than just a bar guy, but I have family, root, and I am someone who has multiple roles. At some point in the conversation, I would talk about happy childhood memories. This is a safe topic. Then I would switch to something about this fear I had as a kid, just something innocuous, height, speed, clowns, whatever. Talk slowly, give her a chance to experience that emotion, and she will in turn share her fear. Another interesting emotional topic is to discuss at one point in her childhood, she had to stepped up and was expected to be more mature than her age at that time. This is the beginning of a routine stack, we start with the roles we take on in our lives, then we slowly lead her to talk about the experience that we have and emotions that we feel. I will continue on how to frame the interaction, escalate so that we will either go home that night or see each other again. And no, not all interactions are that way, this is just one way to start.

Lessons learned in the community

This is the 200th post, I'm going to recap what I've learned. The basic ideas of people getting together to share knowledge, grow together, learn together, help each other, and be a better person to make the world a better place! Lofty idealistic goals, almost like communism. The reality is...

The community is infested with anti-social dudes and sociopaths. Most people in this have no friends outside of the community, because they don't make good friends and the world has rejected them for who/what they are. For some of them, in time, they could be rehabbed into normal people. And the most pernicious group is the sociopaths, their goal isn't to get girls or be good with women, but they spend their time seducing guys by trying to convince newbies that these sociopaths are great with women. They do this to gain fame, from shaving their heads so others can recognize them for being so-and-so, to eventually, flipping the attraction switch of men in order to start their own workshops, which people will recognize their lack of success and eventually dismiss them as frauds. Like pedophilic sociopathic Catholic priests, they move to other places and start all over again.

If there's one thing I'm proud of, other than this blog, is that I've done my share of calling out these sociopaths and yes, I've made my share of enemies. Then again, do I want these people in my life?! However, there is a silver lining, I have befriended my share of great guys. These guys become my best friends. The characteristics they have in common is that they were quite good with women, and/or they have plenty of friends outside of the community. In other words, they got lost and ended up in the community by accident as they will be/already are good with women.

The best way to be good with women starts from within, it's not just inner game. It's about finding inner peace, having passions, owning up to one's faults and strengths, getting things done, and when it comes to women, having standards. Guys who just want to fuck of lots of girls almost always end up fucking each other or by themselves. Guys with purpose, are ones girls attracted to. Sure, guys with a sense of humor, cocky'n'funny, are great with girls in the beginning, and they have to tone it down, slow the interaction down, so that they can get girls to show off, display their best selves. Humor and attraction techniques should be used like condiments, they should be sprinkled into food to spice things up but too much will turn girls off.

There are many ways to interact with people. The most important is not to be needy, wanting anything from anyone. Now you see why I find those sociopaths (forum gurus, KJ's, dating coaches) are an antithesis to the community?! People have been having sex forever, before they started walking on two feet, and if we don't need workshops and walking coaches, why do we really need all these brand new blueprint for transformation techniques? If someone couldn't get girls, may be they are not meant to be with girls, it's that simple. And those who do get girls, are guys with balls, and by talking with enough people, those guys will develop social intuition. Those people are not "community" dudes, but normal social and fun guys and girls!

Finally, the best thing to get out of the community is to get out as soon as possible. It doesn't offer anything that we can't get from elsewhere. The problem is that by hanging out with people who are either social retards or sociopaths, we either become more anti-social or get ripped off. The best way to get women is to be with women or at the very least, guys who are good with people and women in particular. Keep having fun ("innergame") and be social ("outergame"). Of course, be a man!

Decoding the blueprint for transformation

Why are some men so good with women? Why do some call themselves pickup-artist (PUA) and join their local lair... but end up sarging phantom girls off Craig's List? What differentiate these two groups? How do you transform from someone who talks about getting girls to someone actually gets girls?

The first step for those who fell into the community is to get out of it. Stop hanging out with people who talk, discuss, strategize, waste time debating who is better, break down interactions, obsess with failures,... There are some instinctual things that we all learn without much coaching. Some examples perhaps? Walking, talking, socializing, and amazingly enough, fucking. Somewhere along the line, people stopped following their instincts and they turn what occurs naturally into a cerebral activity... and guess what happens, they get frozen, they get inside their head, they become obsessive & compulsive, and of course, they fail and they fail repeatedly. So when they keep running against that brick wall, they start searching for more materials, new gurus, novel techniques/methods, because they are not strong enough to withstand the pain of getting up and trying again.

Don't get me wrong, there are many things we can learn from each other. Take mathematics, languages, and may be even seduction. But please, save yourself the embarrassment, do it privately like masturbation. You are free to click on ads on this page if you want to learn more, but 99.999999999999% of the over 6 billion people on earth today, they are the progenies of people who didn't use any "seduction techniques."

The only way to succeed is to do it, not afraid of failure, and learn from one's mistake. Quit looking for hand holding, quit looking for an easy way out, quit thinking that somehow, you are magically better than the rest of humanity, you are somehow more alpha, the leader, when deep down, we are all pretty much the same... except for retards, i.e. community/lair guys, they simply are nature's mistakes, of guys who are not meant to breed, or they are denying their true destiny in life, to serve as warnings for the rest of humanity. So quit the community, stop learning, and start doing. And DO not click on any ads on this page. Just DO not DO IT!

How to prank the president of the lair of PUA

The story began with a friend of mine and I were having dinner together, at a place that's off the beaten path of most "pickup artists" here in this little small town. As we were finishing up, in came the president of our local "lair."

Despite my general overall antipathy toward "pickup artists" and especially their pseudo-leader, I'll explain why in a second. We were cordial with him and apparently, he was there to meet up with some "girl" that responded to his personal ad on Craig's List. For those people who don't know, there are plenty of fat chicks where I live and they literally infest CL personal ads, take a look at it and search for BBW. According to friends of mine who have met this pseudo-president, they all thought he was decent looking, until, of course, he opened his mouth and dispelled all doubts.

Remember when you were kids and at the playground, there was always one or two retarded kids, and the rest of the normal kids would make fun of those retards. Well, our pseudo-president is that retarded kid all grown up. I'm not a mental care professional, but there are certain characteristics, a constellation of signs, of his mannerisms, ticks, behavioral traits that betray not just his social awkwardness, but he is devoid of any social intuition. That, my friend, is the most common set of traits among people who call themselves "PUA" in the community.

Back to the story, so this guy, posted his ad, responded to an ad, agreed to meet the "girl" that he didn't even talk to on the phone (I'll get to the phone part later), didn't even know her name, just that she was going to be there, wearing something red! Seriously, how can anyone be so retarded and so desperate to meet a girl off something that's known for infested with fat ugly girls and he didn't even know who and what she was?!

The story didn't end there. Of course, he ended up sitting by us and couldn't even start (or continued the conversation that we started with people sitting next to us!). She didn't show up and from what I gathered, he continued to set up meetings with this girl, by email only, multiple times and she never showed up for any of them. How stupid is this pseudo-president?

Oh, you asked why he's a "pseudo-president?" He's actually a very qualified candidate along this line of socially-retarded lair presidents. The one who started the internet forum was this dude who is so ashamed of his look that he doesn't ever show picture of himself anywhere (like myspace / facebook / linked-in /...)! Of course, he takes on a (gay) character instead of being himself, however, he constantly preached people about being authentic... which, for him, means things like crying after sex, all broken up when his party girlfriend started sampling other "PUAs" in the lair (yeah, there are PUA-philes out there!), went nuts and started snooping into people's private messages, and of course, like 99% of lair guys, he also wanted to work as a dating coach.

And the clincher after he left the city, he passed the rein onto this virgin socially awkward 19-yo kid, who couldn't even go out with any girl without explicit prior approval from his folks, and yes, he was and still is living with his folks. Then the rein was passed on to the social retard that trolls CL for "girls." Why are these two latter retards "pseudo-presidents?" Because they still don't have control, or say in the direction of a forum that started by the first retard! So the first retard "president" was never good with women, but he was great at seducing guys! I even heard stories about him sitting in bars surrounded by guys... in the new city where he just moved to. But he still maintains control over the forum in our city here. These so-called "lair presidents" are proxies for that SIRducer (as my friend, who I had dinner with, called the guy who set up the forum).

When I'm bored, I might blog about why current pseudo-president doesn't have a phone and that's not the only moronic thing he does... or so I'm told. And of course, what type of mannerisms that the general populace would interpret as signs of retardation. This, my friend, is why you should avoid community/lair guys in general. If you have any social intuition, you don't want to be near them because some of their social awkwardness might rub off on you!

Sadly, we still don't have any guy who are truly good with women here locally, which I'll save for another blog. But in the mean time, you just got some tips on how to prank these false prophets!

Building that emotional connection

After discussing the theory of rapport and emotional connection in previous blog entries, some of you emailed me about how exactly have I used it. Here are some examples that came off the top of my head...

(1) There was this one time, at a bookstore far far away, (sorry, I couldn't help myself!) there were two girls, I opened and then we joked around. They were there to look for an art piece as an inspiration for them to paint something similar in their new condo. One of them told me that she doesn't like just a bouquet of flowers, but just one flower, and view it from behind. Then we discussed how most of us just skim the surface by taking the prima facie approach to people, events, and life in general. And I continued that it takes a special person to dig deeper and appreciate the multi-faceted nature of life. Notice how I turned something she mentioned in passing, into something deep, about our approaches to life?

(2) Another was one night in a bar, I was talking to this girl, then the subject of work came up. She told me she was doing such and such at this company, and I happened to know someone who was recently fired from there. With that brief commonality, she asked me if he's gay, and how he's a loner who doesn't socialize with co-workers, etc. Then I continued with how it must be difficult to live a life of denial, she replied about how she had to be a certain way with her last bf. Again, with just a tenuous connection, we went from talking about work, to something that deeply affected her.

(3) There was this one time I stumbled into a birthday party and ended up talking to the birthday girl. She told me about leaving her broken home and went to a crazy religious school down south. She's a total conservative right wing nut job, but just for my own amusement, we continued talking about her faith. Then I interjected how she was able to heal herself, found a purpose in life, and how faith in her space-daddy/spaghetti-monster/god was able to bring clarity, protection, and peace to her. This time, it was more about turning something negative (her broken home) into positive.

(4) Last one, I was talking to a pretty tall girl at a bus stop. The way she held herself together made me think of my ex, who used to be a model and a beauty pageant contestant. And guess what? She also competed in beauty pageants! Which I immediately relate to her on how it must be difficult to express herself when everyone already has a preconceived notion of how she should behave, she just lit up and talked about how she has to wear a mask and most people don't know her inner turmoils. She told me how guys rarely ever listen to her and she was surprised I got to know her so deeply and quickly... HA! She ended up missing her bus.

I normally hate writing FR/LR because they are such bullshit and I hope that by focusing on the specific turning point in my interaction using emotional connections, we can turn a fluffy conversation about trivialities of life into something deep and meaningful. Girls yearn for that special someone to turn those momentary sparks in life into full blown flames. Be that flamer guy (HA!) and you will have plenty of girls in your life! I might blog about how to take those connections to a sexual level in future entries.

The take home lesson is that I basically turned a simple piece of our conversation into an emotional journey for her to express herself. Notice I didn't run any routine, I didn't talk about the same set of emotions, and there were a few other details I left out, for brevity and simplicity by removing the sexual overtone in our conversations.

Living a life of passions

This topic is so broad, I don't even know where to begin. Let's start with the premise of two strangers meeting, and they are of the opposite sexes, what does she look for in a man? His looks help but they don't hinder, so how does he go about presenting himself?

I've blogged about being fun and social, which requires that we have quieted our internal dialogs so that we can focus what's surrounding us. Achieving inner peace is done through finding one's purpose in life, listing and prioritizing one's goals, and systematically going through that list. But I'm willing to bet that most people won't even start that exercise because deep down, they are haunted by their fears. The way to conquer fears (whatever they may be) is not to spend time examining them, but to focus on what makes us get up in the morning, what drives us, what motivates us, to do what we do.

I see many guys going through the motion of life but don't truly live for something, stand up to fight for and defend it. They don't live a life of principles. The whole 'laissez-faire' attitude is great for getting along with people, but girls don't want to align with some chodes who go along to get along. Girls want to be with guys who are men.

The fundamental problem with guys who don't have girls, don't get laid, and not happy, is that they are not man enough. When I first started this blog, my goal wasn't to devote much of my time to blogging about dating, but to use this as a channel for me to express myself. Most guys I've met in the community are too timid, they are too afraid of what others think, they are going through the motions of eliciting IOIs (from girls and guys), they try to appease others instead of speaking their minds, listing what is and isn't acceptable to them,...

Sometimes, we do make mistakes, and that's ok. What got me going on this is a blog entry by a friend of mine. I wish there are more guys like him, more people who are independent thinkers, who are not afraid of expressing themselves. We can keep heaping money on materials to learn this and that... ultimately, we have to look within, find that special something to make this short life of ours worth living. Some people live for others, many live to please others, we all should live for ourselves and do what we think is right.

P.S. Check out Captain Jack's blog to read about someone using his passions and career to get girls.

We are all sickos

Who is a big fan of Michael Moore? And a fan of Ayn Rand? I recently saw "Sicko" and not sure why I've waited so long, probably because I've dealt with similar sob stories and I just didn't want to rehash them again. The movie got me thinking about these two polarizing figures.

We, Americans, are idiots, I'm not writing this because it's the popular opinion, but because of the following. We have many self-starting go-getting individualists who want to realize their own "American dream." I'm all for ambition, drive, dreams, tenacity, winners take all mentality. The problem isn't with smart, intelligent individuals, but lazy ass dumb fucks who think that they too can reach the top. What do I mean by that?

In order to accomplish anything in life, people don't realize they have to put in the hard work, they must have some talent, and plenty of luck. Luck isn't something we can control, we can create opportunities for ourselves, but there simply are too many factors we can't control. There are two factors that we can. Knowing ourselves and dedication. The problem with most people is that they don't realize they are just stupid.

Most people are dumb, and the problem with dumb people isn't that they are dumb, but that they think they are smart. First, they have these grandiose dreams that they can be somebody and they will get somewhere in life. The reality is they will forever be stuck at their miserable lives. So they start on these self-improvement journeys, even though they don't have realistic and realizable goals, which will lead them to several predictable and inevitable results.

The miraculous outcome is portrayed in Forrest Gump. It's a movie for the very simple reason, it's a fantasy. For the majority of people, they hold on to their dreams despite the contradicting evidence. Some even think they have elevated to the position of teachers, thus, they can hustle the former group.

This is how the whole predator-prey relationship is set up in the self-improvement market, and especially in seduction forums. If the problem was limited to these fringe groups, life would be great for the rest of us. The sad reality is that this problem is endemic and pervasive among Americans. We all think we will get to somewhere and be somebody. What we don't realize is that we will never get there because sadly, life is like any NASCAR race, there is one (or a few) winner. The rest has to suffer defeat in order to support that one winner.

Yes, we are sickos. Until we accept that the only way to experience the American dream is during our sleep, we have to wake up and take responsibility for ourselves. We think for ourselves instead of subscribing to this or the latest belief system, buy the latest method, go to more self-improvement seminar,... Stop dreaming, start living, and you know what get girls' juice flowing? When they can take part in our passions, they can see we are man enough, strong enough, and bright enough to do our own things instead of being sicko sheeps trying to live the American dream.

Glossary of PUA terms

Some people want to feel special because they are lonely, low self-esteem, attention-deprived,.. So they go on to form groups and to create this feeling of cohesiveness, they create terms... almost like two lovers like to give each other special nicknames. On to the list!

• PUA: fairy, gay, queer
  
• guru/community guys: drama queens
  
• lair: a group of drama queens
• DHV: bragging
  
• LR: lies reports
• FR: fake reports
  
• winging: dating among men
  
• sarging: going to creep girls out
• attraction: interest/intrigue
• qualification: finding common interests
  
• comfort: being normal, getting know each other
  
• seduction: during lair (see above) meeting, when gurus hustle newbies
  
• kino: touching
• NLP pattern: b.s. sayings to keep conversation going with drunk girls
  

Natural and normal, not contrived, rapport

Have you ever felt that the person who is sitting next to you just get you? And you can have a conversation with her just by looking into her eyes and nothing is vocalized. There were times you both laughed so hard that you started to tear up, over something silly. Only you two share these inside jokes. That, my friend, is the all natural and normal rapport.

The reality is that we don't connect with that many people... we can't do exercises in order to develop rapport. I think of many things in life can be learned, in fact, I'm educated because of the simple truth that I enjoy learning. There are some skills that are inherently un-natural that we have to be educated in order to acquire them, but there are many more that have to be experienced, failed repeatedly, and finally succeed on our own, without coaching. Establishing rapport is best done naturally, rather than through some contrived exercises, routines, gimmicks, and worst of all, cheapening the process of developing rapport by paying someone to teach us.

Instead of focusing what we can do externally, we should examine ourselves internally, finding who and what we are, and what we can do to grow that inner child into a man. This is the reason why I've started blogging about how to get things done and a few other activities that I've already been doing before getting into the community, which I might blog about in the future.

Once we know ourselves, we are ready to share with people around us. If you've ever wondered what sharing is, take a listen to stories in StoryCorps. There is something passionately compelling about these people and how they tell stories from their lives that naturally draw us into them. Do you think they ever take a story-telling workshop? Or may be a coaching session on how to build rapport? There are many skills we simply are born with, and we instinctively know how to do, once we cut away the bullshit so that we can express who we are.

I've tried to refrain from spoon feeding people, and more importantly, I don't want be another know-it-all my-way-is-the-only-way whatever coach. I think people learn best when they see something that's done right and they find ways to reach there. I can offer some suggestions but definitely do not think that teaching / coaching is such a noble profession, when it is used as a disguise to hustle people.